Death & Grief

Weaver of My Web

This episode was recorded just over a year after my mother’s transcendence in 2021. People kept asking me if I was grieving and getting through everything. I questioned whether I was grieving because people kept asking, but these were other people’s questions. I grieved when I saw her soul leave in a dream then again at other times during herthree weeks in ICU. It made it a little easier when she finally passed but I still cried like a baby when I was seemingly forced to make the decision to take her off of life support. To be forced to let go and to force them to let go is hard as shit to do. Even when people are sick, it doesn’t make it any easier when they do finally let go. I don’t get into the details of the entire experience of those 3 weeks she was physically here unless asked about it, but a few days into it, I was broken. I knew then she wasn’t coming home, just as I knew when my favorite aunt who raised me wasn’t going to make it home. I grieved, sobbed, and let my grossest runny nose run a full 10K, but I was at peace when she (and my wonderful aunt) finally let go. That was three years ago now, but it still and always will hurt. But, the beautiful thing is I get to see her every single night almost. Unfortunately, she's giving me other people's bad news so that I can comfort and help them. C'est la vie.

People are suffering in their grief instead of actual grieving. There are quite a few people I know personally that are still suffering in their grief 7, 8 years into it. Still on psychotropic drugs that are keeping them depressed and suicidal. Others have taken up drinking as their new therapeutic hobby. This kind of grieving is highly toxic and unproductive in every way, as I have had many experiences with people resorting to this method of pain relief. I'm teetotal, so drinking especially bothers me. One cousin died a painful death 2 years ago after developing cirrhosis of her liver because she drank nonstop in her (not so much of) grieving process after her mom passed. Nonstop isn’t an exaggeration. It was so sad to see this person in this manner of experiencing and suffering in her pain. Her last day on earth was heart-breaking to a lot of us because her entire grieving journey was ending the way it did. Now her kids have no mom, but they are still too young to understand the ‘what/when/how’s’ of death - particularly, hers. They just know their momma will never be back. Was this selfish? Very much so, because these kids are now suffering in a multitude of ways because of her actions. However, she had no real understanding of how to deal with death in her 30s, as a lot of people of any age don’t. So, the children, once of a mentally-developed age, should understand death more from their situation and how their mother dealt with it. It will be up to them what happens next in how they, then, will be able to view their mother’s death and their grieving process – which could start all over again, but, hopefully, in a different way with different information than they originally received.

I didn’t edit this much because I wanted you all to hear the human side of this episode. This is a very human subject, so this episode needed to be as real as possible. My mom died helping others and so will I. It’s my lot now and in every other lifetime before. Happy healing, people. Death is hard when you don't know the bitch that well.

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