Front Line Families & Partnering

Behind The Line

Show Notes:

Today we are shifting gears from our series on daring leadership to a new series on front line families. Tin this episode we are focusing on partnering and the challenges that couples face as a result of the unique stressors involved in first response and front line work. I break down 4 of the common concerns I hear from front line couples/families and work to get clear on the heart of what’s happening and some skills to regroup and reconnect.

The 4 common concerns I hear from front line families include:

1. My partner struggles to be present with me and our family. Even when my partner is home, it feels like they aren’t connected.

At the heart of it: I miss my person.

What’s needed:

For the front line working partner: Efforts at skill building around grounding and being present at home. Investing in tools for anchoring and mindfulness can be a big support in really being home when you’re home and getting to fully enjoy what life outside of the work can bring you.

For your partner: Understanding and a shift in expectations that at times your brain will check you out. Clarification around what tends to trigger “checking out” can be helpful for them to have the ability to see it coming and support adjusting and adapting expectations in moments that are harder to remain connected.

2. My partner struggles to talk about what is happening with them. I get that they are trying to protect me from what happened in their day, but I feel like I’m losing connection to knowing them.

At the heart of it: I miss my person, and feel missed by them.

What’s needed:

For the front line working partner: Developing conversational topics that allow for you and your partner to join around common interests and shared subjects. If you can’t talk much about work, invest in finding other topics to bring up and share in together. Try the Gottman Card Deck app (google play link / apple store link) for conversation starters and check out their Love Map deck to work at joining and supporting one another in feelings seen, heard, known and valued.

For your partner: Again, shifting expectations is going to be important. Recognizing that we may not get to connect around “what happened in your day” the same way other couples do, but not allowing this to deter connection. Changing the types of questions we ask or ways we connect can be helpful. Supporting the effort to find shared meaning and subjects for connecting around goes a long way.

3. My partner struggles with emotions. They seem to rage or be numb, without much in between.

At the heart of it: I’m worried for my person and worry that our family doesn’t know what to expect.

What’s needed:

For the front line working partner: Efforts at skill building around emotion regulation and being present are again going to be significant here. Invest hard in tools that support your capacity to regulate. This might include some boundaries around the transition home, extra buffer in your commute, doubling down on self-care, investing in therapy, etc. You need to be clear with your partner about what you need and what your plan is. Coming up with a code word/phrase/gesture can help to alert people in your life that you’re having a hard moment and need to check out for a bit – with the agreement that you will use this time to actively engage in tools to manage your extremes and come back when you can be connected.

For your partner: Understanding and a shift in expectations that these challenges are common for first responders and front line workers. Clarity about their concern and support in skills to help navigate. Tons of self-care to support their own needs (see below).

4. Given my partner’s struggles, I feel like I carry the weight of keeping everything at home afloat, and I feel like my partner doesn’t see how much I take on or have compassion for how hard it is on me at times.

At the heart of it: I’m struggling too and need to be seen, heard, known and valued.

What’s needed:

For the front line working partner: Investment in your partner. Acknowledging their efforts and sacrifice. Energy expended to offer support. Listening to their day with openness and non-judgemental capacity. Compassion for their bad days.

For your partner: Accept help from your partner and others. Invite people in to your struggle, even if it’s a therapist/professional who can support you well. Take care of yourself and focus on your own needs. Provide clarity to your partner about your needs and how they can help meet them.

**If there are other concerns that come up often in your home that you would like me to tackle in another episode, shoot me an email at [e-mail] and let me know.

Episode Challenge:

Try out the Gottman Card Deck app (google play link / apple store link) – it can be a lot of fun if you let it!

Additional Resources:

Sign up for the waitlist for the Self-Care Dare 5 Day Challenge for First Responders and Front Line Workers! We had SO much fun the first time that I can hardly wait to do it again!

If you haven’t yet, check out the free Beating the Breaking Point Indicators Checklist & Triage Guide to help you self-assess your experiences and exposure to burnout. Use this tool as information as you get honest with yourself about the impacts you have experienced – and start considering telling the story of your resilience as someone who has invested in their own wellness by looking into our Beating the Breaking Point Training Program designed for First Responders and Front Line Workers. You can grab the free indicators checklist here, and learn more about the training program here.

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