Do I Have to Accept that my Addict Partner, even in Successful Recovery, could Betray Me Again?!

Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

In Episode 229, Mark & Steve answer some very TOUGH questions asked by a partner seeking to heal from the betrayal trauma caused by her porn/sex addicted partner. Here's what she sent in to PBSE:

Do I just have to accept he can never be faithful? That an addict will always be an addict so he will always have to fight the want of others? There will always be temptation but recovery means being able to face it and not let it overpower? I don't want that. I don't want urges and triggers just fought off. I want them gone. If they will always exist, the addiction will always exist that says to me he will always have a want for others, a want for more. It says he can never be truly faithful. That I cannot be his only desire. I cannot be enough for him. So in staying, I just have to accept that?

First, we have SO MUCH EMPATHY FOR THIS PARTNER!!! We always ask, “What is under these heart-felt expressions; this pain? What are betrayed partners asking for at the deepest levels?

• What they were promised in the beginning!
  • To be desired, pursued, exclusive, CHOSEN!
  • To KNOW who THEY are choosing–full honesty and transparency
  • To be SAFE and not endlessly have to be hyper-vigilant, on-guard, watching to see what he’s watching, keeping track of him . . .
  • To NOT be in a COMPETITION for his attention, affection, desires, loyalty, faithfulness, etc.
• Does a Partner simply have to accept that he will always be one-step-away from betraying her again???
  • What is “temptation” and living in the real world? What is NORMALCY?
  • W/hat is “Addiction” and how does it “rewire the brain”?
  • Can an addiction brain be truly “rewired” to a healthy, faithful state? What does that mean? How long does it take?
• What is “real recovery”?
  • Treating the symptoms–”getting sober”
  • Exploring and addressing the “underlying core issues”
  • Maturing, evolving and learning HOW to have a healthy relationship and a healthy life!
  • LEARNING the lessons that the addiction showed up to TEACH so you can move forward in healthy living!
• How do you reconcile “He can ONLY be sober today” with never having hope of anything changing—always having to be hyper-vigilant and wait for the “shoe to drop”? All ANY of us have any control over is ME and TODAY! There are NO guarantees. We know where this desire comes from, but it is not living life on life’s terms.
• So, where do you go from here?
  • Investing in YOURSELF and YOUR POWER while he is doing the same thing. And then coming together to COLLABORATE on this!
  • But WHAT ABOUT . . . . .???!!!

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services