Changing Your Limiting Beliefs with Kolette Hall

Rock Solid Relationships

Speaker A: This week, I interview my friend and colleague Colette hall, who is also a life coach, about how to change a belief. She is a former school teacher, and I tell you this because she has a way of distilling information and making it super simple and super digestible, even complex things, which is why I think you're really going to enjoy this episode and the process that she teaches us in this episode about how to change a belief you have that you don't want to have anymore. Ready to create rock solid relationships with the people that matter most to you. You are in the right place. My name is Sarah Payne, and I'm a master certified relationships coach. And each week I teach you how to create the connection and love that you desire because you know that the quality of your life is directly related to the quality of your relationships. I'm so glad you're here. Hello, Colette.

Speaker B: Hello.

Speaker A: Welcome to the Rock Solid Relationships podcast. I'm so glad to have you on again. This is not our first rodeo. We've talked before, so I'm excited to have my listeners get to know you a little bit more. Will you tell them what you do? Yes.

Speaker B: I am a life coach also, just like you. And I help high achieving people find more balance.

Speaker A: Nice. I love it. And you're kind of like. I mean, my description of you is you're like the belief queen.

Speaker B: Sure.

Speaker A: You know how to change your own limiting beliefs and help your clients do the same. And so that's what I want to talk to you about today.

Speaker B: That is very true. But I have to say that I learned it from my coach as well. So any of you out there who imagine that this is something you've never heard of before or something that you've never tried before, I was like 50 years old before I learned these principles that we're going to talk about today and started practicing them in my life, and it has changed my life completely. And so don't worry, it's not too late, any of that. Or if you have never even considered accomplishing something the way that we're going to talk about accomplishing things, it's okay. It'S okay. Everybody starts at a new spot. Just give it a chance. That's what I want to say from the get go, is just give this a chance. I was taught it and put it to work and to practice, and you can, too.

Speaker A: You can, too. I love that. I love that. And age doesn't matter. And one thing that coming up for me as you were talking is before Colette learned this work she led a very full, beautiful life. And it's just enhanced it. You don't have to be on the precipice of breakdown in order to apply this work. You can be, and it's very helpful. But not everybody has a heroine's journey story where they were, like, on death's door or something like that, right? In order to have this work be powerful. Tell me anything about that.

Speaker B: 100%. I mean, I would consider my life. Two of my most effective strategies to living life was gratitude and positivity, optimism. And my husband and I used those strategies to overcome very difficult challenges and circumstances. And so I for sure felt like I was a person that had the tools to create the kind of life that I wanted. And this is just really up leveled to. It's like, up leveled up, leveled up, leveled. That's what has happened with it. So, yes, you're exactly right.

Speaker A: I love it. So as we talk about beliefs and believing new things, tell us, what's the first step to believing something new?

Speaker B: Okay, so I just remember, I'm going to reflect back in my head here to a time that you and I were actually at a business mastermind together. And we were sharing a room that day or that whole trip. And I remember saying something to you about a limiting belief, and I said, like, oh, I'm so glad that I have figured out this limiting belief, because I know what to do with it. And I just remember you standing there looking at me like I was crazy. Like, what just happened in this conversation? What just happened in this conversation? Because the first step is we have to recognize what we are already believing. We have to be honest with what we're already thinking about and everything that comes after that, I trust my ability to do something with it. But if I don't recognize it, it's like a non starter. That was what was funny about being there in that conversation. Because oftentimes we think about limiting beliefs or thoughts that aren't very useful to us, or times when we have the inner critic or where we are mean to ourselves, or we just say things like they are facts in the world, when really they are limiting beliefs. And we think that there's not much that we can do about it. And so if there's anything that your listeners learn today, I would say you can do something about all of them. Any thought that you have, you can do something about it. You can work to change it or even shift it. You can work to let it go. And so that's what I think was funny about that conversation, is because we normally don't look at limiting beliefs as something exciting.

Speaker A: Right. It's almost like we hide them underneath the bed because we don't want to look at them because we think.

Speaker B: We'Re.

Speaker A: Taught so much about positive affirmations and things like that, that it's like we make ourselves wrong for even having them.

Speaker B: Yeah. Having the limiting belief because we don't trust ourselves that we can actually do something about them.

Speaker A: Yes. Oh, that's so key, trusting yourself that you can do something about them.

Speaker B: Yeah. And so I was super excited. Standing there in the hotel room. I was like, yes, I found a limiting belief. This is amazing. I can't wait to work on it. And that's the part I think that you were confused by. Maybe you can speak to that, of how that was such a different thing.

Speaker A: Yeah. I don't even remember what the belief was, but I think I was awestruck that you were so excited to find it. It was like a treasure to you. Oh, now I know what's been holding me back. And I was like, I can just think about, like, I'm thinking about limiting beliefs I have about myself and my success. I can just think about them like treasures that I can just. Because now I can uncover it and now I know what to do with it. That was what was going on for mE.

Speaker B: Yeah. That's such a key point because it really is like a treasure to me. Like, oh, my gosh, this is the thing. This is going to change everything. Account. Work on it.

Speaker A: You say that all the time. I just want my listeners to know this is going to change everything. And I actually love that I've picked up up on that. I've adopted that in my own life. I'll never be the same again. This is going to change everything. It's like such an exciting way to live.

Speaker B: Yeah. And it happens all the time. So it's not like a one time thing where, oh, my gosh, changing this belief is going to change everything, and then I'm never going to change everything again. Don't worry. Next week I'm going to change everything again. Right.

Speaker A: I love it. Okay, so let's say I uncover a limiting belief I have. Like, maybe.

Speaker B: I'm going to give you one. Oh, good. Perfect example. Is that all right? Yes. I'm going to give you three examples, but I'm going to give you one today that I think you might be a little surprised that I speak. Okay, so let me just give the example of recently I started looking at how I view myself as maybe like, my fashion sense. And I recognize instead of continuously saying, which I've been doing for a long time. So I did not realize this was a limiting belief until just this week. This is, like, off the press. And I realized that I was thinking, like, oh, I'm not very stylish. Fashion is really hard for me. I don't really know what to wear, what shoes go with that. This is difficult for me. Those were the kinds of thoughts that I was having. And I realized finally this week, I'm not even sure how I realized it, but all of a sudden, I clued in to the idea that this is a limiting belief. It does not have to be true. Like, I'm thinking it's true. I'm thinking it's a fact, but it does not have to be true. And so I started, first of all, I recognize it. So that's step one. We're going to notice whatever the belief is that is holding us back. That's just an idea that I am thinking that is holding me back from being who I want to be. It's a small example. Right.

Speaker A: For a second, because I think it's good to note that when you believe that, then you find all of these examples in your past, how you've been, like, not fashionable, and so and so is more fashionable than you, and you don't fit in in these situations. Right. So you can pull up all of these beliefs from your past, and then not just that, but then you keep recreating that, because if you're believing I'm not fashionable, then when you go into a store or you're looking at an online catalog, you're like, well, so and so could pull that off, but I.

Speaker B: Never could for sure. That is exactly my life. And the train of thought that I have been having for quite a while now. We just have to remember that whatever we are thinking, whatever we are saying is what we are creating.

Speaker A: Yeah.

Speaker B: And that's why it's so important to pay attention to the stuff that we don't want to be creating.

Speaker A: Will you say that one more time? Whatever we are saying and whatever we're.

Speaker B: Thinking about is what we are creating. And so rather than just staying stuck in this idea, some past idea of what we think, the truth is, if we do not want to keep creating that we have to say something different. We have to think something different.

Speaker A: Yeah.

Speaker B: Okay. And so in that case, here I am, like, thinking I'm unfashionable, right? Or not stylish. In that moment, I realized, oh, my gosh, that is a limiting belief that I have. What if I believed that I was actually stylish? And so I want you to know, all of you listening. When I thought that, it wasn't like, oh, yeah, that's easy. I'm just going to start believing that. I'm just going to start saying that because that's so easy to believe. It actually felt very uncomfortable. It felt very untrue. And that is usually a sign for me that I'm on the right track.

Speaker A: That's so good.

Speaker B: Yes. If I feel like, ooh, that's uncomfortable or feels impossible, then it's like, oh, okay. That's what I want to work on.

Speaker A: Okay, so you identify it.

Speaker B: Identify. I recognize it as something that I am thinking that is limiting me.

Speaker A: All right.

Speaker B: So then I'm going to decide if I want to change it in some way, and that could be letting it go or it could be shifting it to a new belief. Either one works. Okay. So once I decide if I want to do something with it, which in this case I decided I wanted to, I wanted to believe that I was effortlessly stylish.

Speaker A: I love it.

Speaker B: Not just stylish, but effortlessly stylish because I definitely don't want to spend a lot of time on my style, but I can be effortlessly stylish. So then what I did is I have a little four part step to this where I speak it, hear it, see it, think it. So I give myself a million chances to believe it.

Speaker A: Oh, so good. Okay, walk us through.

Speaker B: All right, so what that looked like is here I am speaking it out loud to you. This is part of my strategy I'm.

Speaker A: Doing, which, by the way, can I just make a side note? Everybody needs a friend like that, that they can talk to about things that be like, oh, yeah, I know. I can see that you're thinking that, or it makes sense that you would think that, and I don't believe that about you. You can think something different.

Speaker B: Yes. So good. Yeah. That support. Because sometimes we wonder, like, can I really think something different? Can I really something different about? Okay. So I start writing about it. I say it out loud as often as possible. I talk it through with my coach. I listen to things that support what my new belief is, or if I'm listening to a podcast, then I start to listen through the lens of I believe that I'm effortlessly stylish, and I try to give myself just so many chances to believe that I'm effortlessly stylish. And I tell myself, so in my case right now, one of the things I do is I write reminders on my phone and I have them pop up on my phone every hour or every day. If I am working on something and I look at the thing that pops up. So in this case it would be I am effortlessly stylish, would pop up as a reminder on my phone and instead of just dismissing it or just reading it and moving on, I actually try to feel what it feels like in my body.

Speaker A: So you pause until you actually do that. Do you think of someone that you believe is effortlessly stylish or are you like, I wonder how she feels when she looks in the mirror?

Speaker B: That could be one way. That's not really how I do it. I usually just consider the possibility.

Speaker A: Okay, tell my listeners what that means. I think they're like, what?

Speaker B: I ask myself a question, it's usually the same question because it works every time. And that is what if I really am effortlessly stylish? What would that feel like? What would that be like? What if I could be effortlessly stylish and then my mind will go to like, but you're not. Remember, there's so many ways to show you that you're not. I know, but what if I could be? So I'm just giving the possibility a chance.

Speaker A: I like the way, I just want to point out, I like the way you spoke to your negative voice. You weren't like, shut up, idiot. Stop being so mean to me. You were just like, I know, I heard you, but what if I could be?

Speaker B: Yeah, that's true. That's the whole point. Like our minds are used to thinking a certain way, right? And so rather than getting mad at your mind for thinking the way that it has been thinking for a long time or whatever, then it's like, it's okay, it's okay. We're just doing something different now. Yeah.

Speaker A: It's like so gentle.

Speaker B: Yeah. I'm just going to consider that maybe I could be effortlessly stylish, right? So I give myself all these chances to speak to myself, to hear it, to see it. So I wrote it down in a document that I read to myself every morning and every night. It became part of this document of the beliefs that I am creating for myself that I read every morning and night. So it says in there I am effortlessly stylish and I tell myself that every single morning and every single night. And then when I get ready in the morning, now I'm like, oh yeah, remember I'm thinking that I'm effortlessly stylish. So maybe I have like a postit note in my closet that says, you are effortlessly stylish or I am effortlessly stylish. And then as I'm getting ready, it's like, oh, I pick great clothes from my closet because I'm effortlessly stylish. So I just give myself a million chances to believe it.

Speaker A: I love it.

Speaker B: So I'm in the middle of that one.

Speaker A: Okay, so you recognize the limiting belief, and then you decide what you want to believe instead. And sometimes that means just letting go of the limiting belief. But usually, do you find it's easier when you have something to replace it with?

Speaker B: Yeah, I think so.

Speaker A: And then you speak it, you write about it, you find support for it.

Speaker B: Speak it, hear it, see it, think.

Speaker A: It, speak it, hear it, see it.

Speaker B: I just give myself a million chances to believe it.

Speaker A: How do you know when you truly believe it? What does that look like when you're like, oh, I'm moving on to something else?

Speaker B: Usually if it's a reminder that's coming up on my phone, I can tell a difference. When I see the reminder, it's like, oh, wait, I already believe that. I can feel it in my body. There's no cringiness to it. There's no resistance, there's no friction that I up against, like, well, I don't know. I'm not quite sure. It's like, oh, wait, I already believe that. And so that's one way. And there's another belief that I recently was changing or at least adopting. It wasn't something that I was something I learned about in a book called Awe. And I just really loved this idea of seeking awe as an emotion. And so this wasn't, I'm going to let go of this other belief. I just want to believe that I see awe. And so I made a postit note that said, I seek awe. I put it in my document that I read every morning and night, and then I just looked for opportunities to feel awe, the emotion of awe. And I told myself, wow, this is awe every time I felt it. So I just gave myself chances to believe it. And now I know that I see awe.

Speaker A: Yeah.

Speaker B: All the time. It's just something I do now. Yeah. It didn't take very long for me to figure out that one. Yeah.

Speaker A: With that one, it sounds like it was almost just like recognizing, like, being conscientious about it.

Speaker B: Correct.

Speaker A: So good.

Speaker B: Yeah.

Speaker A: Did you say you have one more example?

Speaker B: Okay, I have one more example, and this is going to be so good for your listeners. No, I'm not happy to talk about this, but I'm willing.

Speaker A: Awesome. Walk us through it. Okay.

Speaker B: So I'm a widow of four and a half years, and I have been telling myself for a very long time the truth, that I do like being independent and that I don't necessarily want my 14 year old son to have to navigate different people in his life and things like that. And so I've been kind of a hard no when it comes to dating or getting in a relationship or whatever. And so I just recently realized that some of this is a limiting belief, and it feels really true. So that's what's going to happen. When you bump up against limiting beliefs, they often feel very true. Like, yeah, I do like my independence, and, yeah, I don't want.

Speaker A: It would be really hard for my son to have to navigate something, family.

Speaker B: Or something like that. And I really don't want anybody in my business, like all kinds of things that I've been telling myself about this, it feels very true. But what I realized is that I wasn't considering the idea that possibly I could have exactly what I wanted in a relationship, including independence, including my son being completely safe and secure, even if someone else is around, not giving that idea a chance at all. And so that is a different kind of limiting belief, I think, where we just aren't open to the possibility of what could be.

Speaker A: Why do you think we do that? Sometimes?

Speaker B: Lots of times it doesn't seem logical. I think in my case, I truly do not see, or did not see that it was kind of an all or nothing. Like, if I am in a relationship, then it's going to look like this and I'm going to not have my freedom and things are going to happen. And I didn't realize that there was a possibility of something else. So it's kind of a black and white thinking and all or nothing thinking. We don't know that. There are probably a million options.

Speaker A: Yes.

Speaker B: And so that's why having a coach is so awesome, because you can help your clients see all of the other options that could be believed. So that happened with my coach. I actually brought this up with my coach, and she said a lot of things about, like, what if a relationship could be better than I even imagined? I was like, I don't know. I don't even know how that could be possible. And so it was at that moment that I realized, okay, I have a limiting belief about this. What would happen if I changed my belief to see that a relationship could be even better than I imagined? What if I gave that belief a.

Speaker A: Chance and then what came up? When you first thought that? Did you bump up against, like, no. What did your brain say to you when you said that?

Speaker B: It was like, no, that's not an option. But then I just started giving it a chance to maybe be true. Like, what if. I don't know if it's true, but what if.

Speaker A: What if it true, gentle way to do it. Just what if. We're not saying it has to be, but what if? Because it takes courage, not just with this belief, I'm guessing with this belief, it takes courage to believe that that's a possibility. But also, I'm thinking of my clients who are like, my ship has sailed, but what if it hasn't? It seems like then that opens them up to like, well, okay, maybe it hasn't sailed, but maybe I'll fail when I try to go get on it.

Speaker B: All of the above? Yes. I have been experiencing all of that in real time.

Speaker A: Yeah. So it takes courage and vulnerability to be open to looking at things a new way.

Speaker B: Yeah, exactly. But I also know that the other side, like being on the other side of removing, limiting beliefs or adopting a new belief that is more expansive is always better.

Speaker A: Will you talk more about that?

Speaker B: Yeah. It feels very painful to be vulnerable to maybe something new. It can feel painful. It can feel painful to keep having the same old thought over and over and over again. And it's like, oh, my gosh, I just am trying to believe something new that can feel painful and difficult, but it is always better on the other side of it. Always better. And so it is worth it. So then what happened with this date? Thing is I started considering, like, okay, well, what if there could be some amazing human out there that I get to have my independence with?

Speaker A: That doesn't come along well with my son.

Speaker B: With my son. Like, all this list, this list of things that I wanted to be creating, like, what if that was possible? And so I've just been giving it a chance. And I put a whole paragraph in my personal document that I read in the morning and at night about this. And I'll be honest, when I did it, I felt sick to my stomach.

Speaker A: I'm so glad that you mentioned that. You all don't feel aligned when you're trying to change beliefs at the beginning.

Speaker B: Exactly. And I was like, oh, my gosh, I feel like I'm going to throw up. And you can see me right now. I feel that exact same emotion still. I'm cringing right now. My shoulders are, like, sunk in. This is how I'm feeling. About this belief still. And yet I know that on the other side of it, life is better if I just feel open to it. I don't know if I want to get remarried or anything like that. None of that is what I'm working on here. It's just the idea that I am open to a relationship being better than I imagine.

Speaker A: Yes. Oh, that's so.

Speaker B: Yeah. So then I start thinking about it. I start thinking about it. I tell Coleman about it. My son Coleman, about this idea. Talk to my coach about it. I've talked to you about it. I put it out there.

Speaker A: Right.

Speaker B: And I still don't totally believe that a relationship could be better than I imagine, but I'm willing to think that it's possible.

Speaker A: Yeah.

Speaker B: That's where I am in this belief.

Speaker A: Well, and I just want listeners to know, as you go through this and then you talk about it more, you're going to see it more, you're going to notice people who have the kind of relationship that you're interested in. It's like your mind will just be expanded to see it in a different way, where it was always there, but now you're bringing it into.

Speaker B: Your awareness.

Speaker A: Yes.

Speaker B: And that actually has already started happening. I was really surprised at how quickly that started happening when I have, my brother and sister in law were just telling me the other day, oh, hey, we have this neighbor who got remarried, and they both live in their separate houses with their families. And I was like, what? People do that? So I did not know that there was an option to do that. Whether or not I would do that, I don't know. But what it does is it opens me up to the idea that there are a lot of options instead of the one that I was thinking, which was, I don't want to lose my independence, therefore I will not be in a relationship.

Speaker A: Yes. Because relationships make you lose your independence. Right.

Speaker B: That was the only thing that I believed was true. And so now I'm open to the idea, like, oh, what if there are so many ways that I could move forward with my life? What if there's so many options? And then I start being open to it and I start seeing, oh, there's this option and this option and this option and this option, and I'm not necessarily going to take all those options, but the fact that I know there's options gives me peace to be able to pick one. If I'm ready. When I'm ready.

Speaker A: Yes.

Speaker B: Or create my own option.

Speaker A: Right. Oh, that's so good. I love it. Okay, so will you just go through the steps one more time? And I want everybody listening to be thinking about something you don't want to believe anymore that you've discovered through listening to this podcast that you believe. Go ahead.

Speaker B: Okay, so first you are going to notice a limiting belief. You're just going to notice a limiting belief. It might feel completely true, but you just don't really want to believe it anymore, or it's not getting you where you want to go. By believing it, you're going to notice it, identify it, right. Recognize it, and then you want to decide what to do with it. Do I want to do something with this belief or do I want to keep it? If you decide that you want to do something with it because it's not really getting you where you want to go, then you are going to give yourself a million chances to believe it. And that's where we speak it, hear it, see it, think it with. I feel like the magic question is to ask ourselves, yeah, I know it's not true, but what if it could be? Just consider the possibility that it could be true. And then you start to see the needle move. You start to see yourself shift in the belief. Sometimes it doesn't take hardly any time at all. Sometimes it's a little more stubborn to shift it, but I have all the power. And so that's why that day in the hotel room when I was like, yes, I just discovered another limiting belief. I was excited because it is treasure to me, because I know it's okay. I just recognized it. That's step one. I know I want to do something with it. I want to change it somehow. That's step two. All right, I'm going to speak it.

Speaker A: Here, see it, think it.

Speaker B: And so that is the best way. I think instead of worrying that we have a limiting belief, like it's a problem that we have this natural thing called limiting beliefs. Everybody has them. It's not a problem. It's just like what you said, it's a treasure. It really is like finding a treasure and your life will never be the same again.

Speaker A: So good. That is so good. Okay. How can my listeners find you?

Speaker B: Sure. I'm on Instagram. My name, Colette Hall. Colette with a K or my website. We also have a book. So when my husband passed away, he was working on a book. He was a motivational speaker. And I put the book together. I finished it and put my stories in there, too. So you can get that on Amazon. It's called Messy Victories, and it is by Jason and Colette Hall. And I think that was really good.

Speaker A: I love it.

Speaker B: I'll enjoy that. But see, I learned, just so you know, when you read that book. The cool part is I did not know anything about this belief work when I wrote that book. And so it's amazing what can happen even after we already live a full life and have some great strategies and we manage things really well in our lives. We still can grow, we still can level up, we still can create new things. It's amazing.

Speaker A: I love it. Thanks for being here, Colette.

Speaker B: So fun. Thank you.