Is Regret Affecting How you Make Decisions?

Rock Solid Relationships

You know, I often hear my clients say things like, I really regret doing this or that, or, I don't want to do that because I might regret it. I think it's very where we underestimate just how much we use the emotion of regret to make decisions or not make decisions. And so that is what we're going to talk, talk about today on the podcast. Ready to create rock solid relationships with the people that matter most to you. You are in the right place. My name is Sarah Payne, and I'm a master certified relationships coach. And each week, I teach you how to create the connection and love that you desire because you know that the quality of your life is directly related to the quality of your relationships. I'm so glad you're here. Welcome to the podcast, my wonderful listeners. I think today's episode you're going to find really resonating with you because I see it so often with my clients, and I catch it in my own brain. And so, while I've done a podcast on regret, I haven't done a podcast specifically on how we often use regret as a way to make decisions or as a way to motivate ourselves and why that might not be the best motivator for you. So, I'm so glad you're here. Sit tight, and I think you're going to really find this episode to be useful. So, like I said before, I help my clients make decisions all the time. It's basically, like one of my biggest jobs. I help them make decisions that feel aligned to them. And it's kind of a rare thing to have someone in your life who will help you make a decision but has no opinion or bias on what you should or shouldn't do. That is one of my main jobs as a coach. And, like, your best friend might be a great listener, but they have an opinion on what you should do with your marriage. Or your mom. She might love you unconditionally, but she has an opinion on how you should educate your children. And so just having an outside perspective that has no opinion and no bias is, like, such a gift. It's one of the things that I love most about being a client when I get coached, and I Love giving that to my clients as well, and to just help them get clarity on what they want to do, what feels like most aligned with their values and their desires. So whether it's a big decision or a small decisions, our brains usually have patterns in how we make them. And one of the biggest patterns I see is how much my clients allow regret from the past to affect their decisions about the future. I mean, it kind of makes sense, right? It's kind of logical. But I found it to be not useful and actually kind of poisonous for their life. And this is why. Because my clients are believing that the decision that they made was either right or wrong from the past. And if they have regret, then they're believing it was the wrong decision and that. That making the right one is going to help them not feel regret. But like I teach you all every week on the podcast, our feelings don't come from decisions that we make. They come from our thoughts about those decisions. And I see my clients spin and spin and not decide and not decide what they want to do until they know that they're making the right decision, and then, therefore, they won't regret it. But if we think of regret as an emotion, which I do, I think regret, like feeling regretful is an emotion. It comes from what we're thinking about what we have done in the past. Thoughts like, I never should have done, that I made a huge mistake, or I hurt people. So I'm thinking about this move that my family made to Colorado. And it would be very easy, when I see my children struggling with, normal child struggles, to think, this wouldn't have happened if we hadn't moved, and therefore, we never should have moved. Now, I might be right that my kids might not be struggling with friendships or might have more kids their age that they feel close to. If we hadn't moved from the place that we lived in Montana for over five years. That might actually be true. But the part that I can never really know is true or not is. And they shouldn't be struggling. They shouldn't be going through this, because the reality is they are. And me thinking that they shouldn't just puts me in a place of regret and guilt and doesn't allow me to be the kind of parent that I want to be, to be the kind of mom that I want to be, because I know from so much experience that when I am motivated by guilt, I am not the best version of myself or in an effort to avoid guilt or regret. So instead of believing I never should have done that, or I made a huge mistake, sometimes my clients, when I offer this to them, that they don't have to think about their decision that way, no matter what it was, that then they go, so I'm just not supposed to have any values or morals or think that I've ever made any wrong decision. And I always, like the human brain, loves to do this loves to think in terms of absolutes and of, like, black and white. But those aren't our only two options. Our only two options aren't, I never should have done this or I did nothing wrong. Instead, we can all learn from our choices and we can even decide. I wouldn't make that particular one again. But we don't have to layer on the regret. The best way I know how to do this is to remind myself I did the best I could with what I knew, and now I know better. I learned that from Maya Angelou. I love that when my brain wants to go to regret. This never should have happened. I never should have done this. Oh, but remember, Sarah, you did the best you could with what you knew, and now you know better. Letting go of regret means that you can embrace self trust. We're going to be talking more about self trust in the future because I think it's so, so important. So stay tuned for more episodes like that. You're going to want to follow this podcast so you don't miss those episodes. But you can tap into your inner knowing or the spirit, if that's how you identify it, or your gut, however you describe it, it's one of the best gifts that you can possibly give yourself. And you shut that down when you tell yourself, I never should have done that. I made a huge mistake. I hurt people. Regret shuts down your inner knowing. It shuts down your self trust. And when we can move regret out of the way, then we can weigh the pros and cons, tap into our inner knowing, the spirit, our intuition, ask advice from trusted family and friends, and then move forward. Indecision is the most exhausting place to be. And my clients who hold on to regret, they have the most trouble making decisions. And not making a decision is a decision that just keeps you stuck in the mud. Like, I just had a visualization of someone actually stuck in the mud. And they're trying and trying and trying so hard, but they're not moving forward. Or like, a treadmill is the same example, right? It's like exhausting ourselves but not moving forward. And then you can decide before you ever make a decision that you're going to love it. Did you know that? You really can decide that. Let me give you a couple of examples. When we moved to Montana, I flew out to Montana by myself. We had children who were very young at the time. Ryan stayed home with them. I met my mom and my mother in law and my sister, and we had like a weekend. And I just decided we are going to find a house this. So Ryan is going to not see the house before we buy it. We'll Facetime him, but we're for sure going to find a home this weekend. And we looked at a bunch and there was one that kind of stood out and I really liked it. And I just decided, I'm going to love this house. I love it. I love this house. And so we went ahead and bought it. And were there things that I didn't like about the house? Absolutely. Were there things I didn't think about before we bought the house that I would think about in the future? Definitely one of the things about our house that I didn't really consider because our house in Maine, where we lived previously, had so much natural light. I just didn't think about that as something I wanted because I already had it. And our house in Montana did not have a ton of natural light. And in the winter, especially, like this time of year when it gets dark really early, it was dark. And so we added lamps and things and it worked out fine. But I didn't tell myself, we never should have bought this house. I'm such a dummy that I didn't think about natural light more. I made a huge mistake. No, I just told myself, oh, next time we buy a house, I'm going to make sure that I love the lighting. And you know what? Our house in Colorado, we added so much extra light before we moved in. We had an electrician come and we just made sure that there was tons of light. I made sure that the office where I spend a lot of my time during the day had a lot of natural light. And it does as so much natural light, I'm, like, looking out my window right now that I don't even need to turn on the light most of the time if I don't want to. And so I learned from that. I learned that, oh, natural light and a well at home is really important to me. And so in the future, I'll make sure that that happens. But I didn't do that from a place of I made a huge mistake before. That would have been so much harder for me and Ryan to decide on another house to purchase. So that's just one example. Another example is that sometimes we use regret as a way to motivate us to do something. And I don't think that's the best motivation either. I see this a lot with moms, like moms of young kids. Well, you know, one day they're going to be all grown up and you're going to miss this. It's like this sneaky way that our brains, and frankly, like lots of women whose children are out of the house, who talk to me in the grocery store, their way of saying, you're going to regret it if you don't just embrace every moment. But when I think about that, when I think I need to spend all the time I can with my kids because I don't want to regret it, then it's really easy for me to not be in the moment because all I'm trying to do is avoid regret and also for resentment for my children to sneak in. And I don't want to do that. That's not the kind of relationship that I want to have with them. And so we can make decisions and not have regret be like the driving force. My parents are going to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary next month. And so my siblings, one of my sisters was like, we need to go on a trip. We should all go on a trip. Just the adults and mom and dad, like spouses, children. When I say children, like my family of origin, right? So my brother and sisters and our spouses, and then my parents. And so one of my sisters in particular, she worked out the dates and where we would go, and she's like, let's go on a trip to Mexico. So some of my siblings are going to be able to come and some aren't. But I was like, considering, okay, are we going to, like, we're in a position where we can go and we've always wanted to do something like this. Are we going to go? And then I watched regret sink in and I was like, well, this might be the last trip of this kind that we get to do. Because my parents, they're in their mid seventy s and they might live for 20 more years and they might not. They're in great health, by the way. But I watched like, well, I have to do this because I'll regret it if I don't. And I didn't like that reason. I don't want to go on this trip because I feel like I'll regret it if I don't go. I don't like that motivation at all. I think it's, again, really easy for resentment to creep in that way or for me to just be living from this place of trying to avoid a negative emotion. And so instead I was like, okay, well, what if I took regret off the table? This is how I made this decision. I took regret off the table and I just thought, okay, do I want to do this? And I thought about all of the reasons why I would want to go. I imagined myself having a great time with my siblings, my parents, and with Ryan. And then I also thought about reasons why we wouldn't want to go. It's not the best timing with a lot of things, and it's not convenient to get to Mexico from where we live. And there were some other things that I wanted to weigh. The fact, do we want to be spending this money on a couple's trip when we could go with our whole family? And my oldest kids are getting older, and we'll only be in the house for probably a couple more years. So I wanted to weigh both of those. And then from that space, I could make a decision that I wanted to make that I liked, that was free from regret. It was just like I thought, yes, I want to have this experience with my family. I want to have this experience with Ryan. I want to have this experience with my parents and my siblings. That would be so fun. And I know making this decision from that place, I'm going to have a completely different experience than if I had made the decision from. Well, they might not be around, and I don't want to regret having. Not having spent more time with them. I've given you the example of buying a house, and I've given you the example of whether or not to go on a certain vacation. But this way of making decisions, regret free and not being motivated by regret can be with, quote, unquote, bigger decisions, too. Decisions like, should I stay married or not? Like, well, I don't want to regret having gotten a divorce. You get to decide how you think about your decisions before you even make them. And then you can live a life that is free from regret. So you can decide. You can look at the reasons why you would want to stay married and the reasons why you would want to get divorced. And you can make a list, and then you can cross out any of the things on that list that are based in regret or fear of how you think you'll feel in the future based on your decision. And then you can just make the decision that feels most aligned with who you want to be, that feels like the version of yourself that is confident and not making decisions based on fear and regret. So whether it is whether or not to go on a vacation or whether or not to stay married, you can make those decisions and be free from regret. And the best way, like I said before, I'll reiterate this, is I did the best I could with what I knew, and now I know better. Living a life free of regret doesn't mean you don't make changes. It doesn't mean you don't say things like, I learned from that, and I wouldn't do that again. Just like I learned from how much I value a well lit home, and I wouldn't buy a house that isn't well lit again. And I don't have to regret that decision that I made. If you need help, if you find that you live from regret, a, please, please don't hesitate to sign up for a consultation call. There's a link in my bio on Instagram. I think I call it a strategy session. And I can help you with that. That is my jam. Because life is too short to be making decisions from regret. Have a great week.