#18: Self-Love, with Judith Costa

Love Is Us: Exploring Relationships and How We Connect

What is self-love and how can it help you improve your relationships? Judith Costa is an “Unconditional Love Coach” who helps people develop self-love. Your relationship with yourself plays a central role in your ability to connect with others. When that relationship with yourself is a kind, accepting, loving one, it will improve the quality of your life. And the thing is, there’s nothing to fix. You are not broken. That can be a hard idea for many people to wrap their heads around, but once you do, you'll be on your way.

When you love yourself, people will find you much more attractive and will be more likely to want to be with you. Perhaps most relevant for this podcast is that those who have a healthy relationship with themselves have the healthiest relationships with others. Judith and I will talk about how this works. Getting to this place of self-love does take work, but the journey is well worth it.

Learn more about Judith how to work with her here:

https://www.judithmcosta.com/

During our conversation Judith mentions Akashic records a few times. In case you’re curious, you can learn about it here: https://www.judithmcosta.com/akashic-records-level-1-class.html

For more information about working with Karin, you can visit her website:

www.drcalde.com

Transcript

Podcast Intro

[00:03] Karin: This is Love is Us: Exploring Relationships and How We Connect. I'm your host, Karin Calde. I'll talk with people about how we can strengthen our relationships, explore who we are in those relationships, and experience a greater sense of love and connection with those around us, including ourselves. I have a PhD in clinical psychology, practiced as a psychologist resident, and after diving into my own healing work, I went back to school and became a coach, helping individuals and couples with their relationships and personal growth. If you want to experience more love in your life and contribute to healing the disconnect so prevalent in our world today, you're in the right place. Welcome to love is us.

Episode Intro

[00:50] Karin: Hello, everybody. So today I am on day five of COVID, so if my voice seems a little bit different during this intro and my energy is a little bit different, that is why. But I have been publishing these podcasts weekly ever since I started, and I was not going to let COVID stop me.

So I'm very determined, and this episode is important to me because I think it's a really important subject. I'm going to be talking with Judith Costa about self love, and this is a topic I've been excited to talk about on my show because it's an essential part of the work that I do with my own clients. And while Judith and I work differently, I use ifs and some other tools. And Judith has her own approach. We both understand how fundamental and life changing that this work can be for people. Some people say that if you don't love yourself, you can't love someone else. I think it was Erich Fromm who first said that. I'm not sure, but I don't know that it's quite that black and white.

But I do see how those who are able to tap into self love tend to have more fulfilling relationships and they're less likely to stay in a relationship that isn't healthy. Now, that's not to say that as long as you love yourself, you don't need anyone else. As human beings, we are definitely social creatures, and the research is really clear that those who have satisfying relationships have satisfying lives. But the relationship we have with ourselves is a critical piece of developing healthier connections, whether it's with intimate partners, friends, or anyone else. And when we are alone, we're less likely to suffer if we can enjoy our own company. Now, during our conversation, Judith mentions Akashic Records a few times, so in case you're curious, you can learn about it in the show notes. So I hope you enjoy this episode and I hope you will share it with someone else that might enjoy it as well. Thanks for being here.

Episode #18 Transcript

[03:04] Karin: Welcome, Judith.

[03:06] Judith: Oh, I'm so happy to be here with you. Thank you.

[03:09] Karin: And I'm so glad that we could make this happen. We had to reschedule this a couple of times, and so it's really great to actually be able to make this happen today.

[03:20] Judith: So thank you. No, it happened in divine timing. Today was the day.

[03:24] Karin: Today was the day. And where are you in the world?

[03:29] Judith: I am in Miami. Even though originally I'm from Spain. Barcelona. But I live in Miami.

[03:35] Karin: And what drew you to the US. And to Florida.

[03:39] Judith: Oh, wow. How long is the podcast? Because I was sent by the universe. If you ask me 20 years ago, or you tell me you are going to move to the US. And do this kind of work that you do right now and say, are you crazy? No, I mean, why? Suddenly everything was different. I moved to the US. To find my soulmate and I did. When I call soulmates, we have more than one and to become a coach, you have to tell a reason to the consulate and say, what are you going to do in this country? I already was an astrologer. I had a master in psychology and psychotherapy. But it was not my career, it was more a hobby. I love to learn. And when I came to the US. I become a certified coach. Then I did the training with Brian Wise on past life regression and the last tool that I had, it was the Akashic records. And I do private sessions with people and I teach people how to do that and I become a certified happiness trainer and many other things. This is a great country to live and I'm happy that the US. Have adopted me and I love what I do and it's here where I had to do it. I had to learn better English. I arrived with a business English, very not basic, but it has been a roller coaster, really.

[05:19] Karin: So how long have you been in the US?

[05:21] Judith: I move at the end of 2010, 13 years.

[05:26] Karin: Okay, so a while now.

[05:28] Judith: Yeah, it's home now.

[05:32] Karin: And you've told us a little bit about what you do, but maybe you can tell us specifically what your focus is nowadays.

[05:41] Judith: My title would say this way is unconditional love coach. Specifically because when you say love coach, people think that you fix relationships and it's not what I do. I help people to have a better relationship with themselves. I'm a self love expert and to become happier. Self love is a super big concept. We will talk about this later. But what happened is that my career, because of my personal life and my transformation and everything I learned, I studied the topic of soulmates for more than ten years. Ten to 15 years. I read every book I found and I studied soul connections. And all these tools that I accumulated was to tell people how to find their soulmates or how to tell them if they were already in this kind of connection. And when I finished my coaching training, I start doing that, helping people to find true love and their soulmates. And what I soon realized is that there were many, many reasons why people remained single and they couldn't stay in a relationship or find the right relationship for them. But one of the most important was that they didn't love themselves. That there was an idea that love was this conditional exchange where you have to find love outside yourself. Forget, I mean, knowing if you have it or not. And also because I had to learn this on my own when I was in Spain, I was married and nothing in my life was working. But I didn't know that the reason why this was happening. It was because I didn't love myself. But it affects every area of your life usually. It's not that, oh, I have a problem because I cannot find a job. It's like if you don't feel worthy, then it's difficult to have the salary or the money that you need, that you want. Then it may affect your health because you don't take care of yourself. It affects the relationships that you establish and so on, so on. And I learned this the hard way. And I hope that at that time there was someone like me teaching worships on self love. That I can just go there and learn this from scratch and have a good foundation. And that's when the business naturally gravitated from how to Find Your Soulmate to fall in love with yourself first. And I was teaching both workshops independently or in a weekend. That was a moment where I was traveling more before the pandemic and all of these things. And this is still what is happening. It's funny because people that have not seen my website schedule an Akashic Records consultation and the most important topic of the session is self love. And they don't know that I'm a self love expert, but they arrive to you kind of attraction that we have, that you are ready to help this person. You have not only the knowledge, also the experience and the understanding and the kindness. Because loving yourself is not something that we can do from in one day and from today to tomorrow. It's a process, but it has to be done more in terms of being kind, being compassionate with ourselves. Understanding is basic, that we are okay wherever we are and there are many things that we can do, but there is nothing to fix really, on ourselves. We are okay.

[09:25] Karin: Yeah. And that is a big concept for a lot of people to grasp that there really is nothing to fix. And I want to get back to that. But I would like first of all to ask how you would define self love. What is it and perhaps what it's not? Because there are so many assumptions about that.

[09:49] Judith: Self love is if we put in an easy way of a definition is to become your best friend, we tend to forget ourselves. We are there for others and we are not there for ourselves. It's to become priority number one in your life. And not in the sense of forgetting that the rest of the people exist, but just knowing that you matter, that you are important, that you deserve this love that you want others to give you. And the important about the concept of self love is that it has many dimensions. Is in the past people were talking about self esteem, but I will say that again, self esteem is just a little piece, but it includes self forgiveness of expression, having fun, finding your own voice forgiving yourself, for whatever sort of mistake you think that you have made in your life. Stop judging yourself and criticizing yourself, appreciate who you are, become less judgmental, it's becoming your supporter, your fan, being there for you. We do this for others very well, but when it arrives, the moment to do it for ourselves, we forget it. And it's also a matter of how the brain works and how it's designed to kind of protect ourselves. And it points out this inner critic that we have inside of ourselves, of everything that is not working in our lives, every detail that we can improve. That's the reason why we take all this effort in fixing ourselves. But this voice is not going to tell you you are divine, you are a gift for the world. Everything is perfect the way you are. And of course there is room for improvement, but it's not going to connect you with your essence, your divine essence. That really is the most important of who you are. You are having a human experience. Yes, right. And you have to do the best you can with it. But the self confidence that for example, a lot of people look for that, they try to find it by controlling every aspect of their lives like this control of what can go wrong. I cannot fail, I cannot make mistakes, I have to look well then puts a lot of tension in our lives. That's not self love. Self love is knowing that the confidence comes not from having everything figured out, but from having this connection with something bigger than you call it the way you want, where you are safe, you are secure. No matter what is happening in your life, you will be supported and guided to overcome it. Then is when you can really find the resources that you need. Does it make sense?

[12:43] Karin: Yeah. So you bring in more of a divine, a spiritual aspect to self love?

[12:49] Judith: Yeah, it totally depends on the client. I don't really start a session like this, but because of the topic of confidence, it's really that and it's very related with the war. Self worth is one of the key aspects. If you look in social media and all of this, everybody's talking about worth, then you are worthy because you exist. You don't really have to demonstrate anything. It's not about performance, it's not about obtaining, it's not about the money that you have in the bank on everything that you have achieved. But it's very difficult to connect with this idea because what you see out there is totally the opposite. Then a lot of people are looking and a lot of people that arrive to me that want to work with me they say yeah, I know that I have a problem, I don't know how to address it. Yeah, I don't love myself but I don't know how to start. Then is when we start saying okay, what is the aspect even in the worship? Now we take all these dimensions, I give them a list first we try to figure out altogether what is self love? But then we look at all these dimensions and say okay, choose the three aspects that are more difficult for you because we are going to focus on something concrete that you can practice and when you have one that you more or less feel that it's going better then go to the second one. Don't try to do everything at the same time. I'm going to be perfect, I'm going to be mindful and aware and stop criticizing myself and forgive myself for every then there is a moment where you collapse. You cannot do it all at the same time.

[14:17] Karin: Yeah, that sounds overwhelming to try to do all of those and though they're all really big things, aren't they?

[14:23] Judith: Yeah and things that we have been doing the opposite for a long time then we kind of have patterns about how we behave and we have to start practicing like being in a different way. Not just doing certain things, just being in a different way. And when it feels comfortable it seems that you have been doing it all your life but it takes it times to really make it happen. Not long but the realization is just an AHA moment.

[14:54] Karin: Yeah it's really a practice, isn't it?

[14:57] Judith: Yeah, totally.

[14:58] Karin: So what would you say to the people who say oh, that sounds kind of weird to love myself. That sounds so self indulgent. Or do you hear that from people? People who are a little bit wary of that concept of self love.

[15:18] Judith: There is sometimes a misunderstanding between love and self sacrifice. We have been raised and we have been educated in the sense that others go first. There are religious beliefs, family beliefs, systems and a lot of things. Then putting ourselves first feels a little bit weird in that sense. Other people don't get it in the sense that oh, my life is okay, why should I focus on myself? I mean things are the way they are and that's it. I will say your life can go to a turn of 360 degrees when you understand that love is the most powerful energy that exists in the universe. That everything that you want to accomplish in the doing can be accomplished by being who you are. And that's self love, that's just investing all the energy that you can in loving yourself until a point that you don't try to improve yourself more. You just live authentically who you are. And becoming you is something that requires taking this mask that a lot of people wear for one aspect of all the aspects of their lives where we have to show in the world in a certain way. Because what we all want is to belong and to be loved. And very early in our lives we understand that love is like a transaction. We start hearing messages from those that take care of us or teachers or preachers, or that if you behave this way, I'm going to love you, or if you're going to stop being bad, I'm not going to love you. Or you should do this because you're going to be a good girl. And then we start changing and stop being ourselves just to give others what they want of us in order to be loved. Because being loved is the number one need that humans have. And then we grow and we establish relationships and we start having boyfriends, girlfriends and all of this. And we keep taking this into deeper, deeper, deeper levels until the moment when we forget that what love is a choice that we make every day. It's not a passing feeling like oh, I love you so much, I'm in love with you and we are going to be together forever. No, that can become a relationship, a wonderful one. But love, loving yourself is something that when you put the feet on the floor every morning, you decide to do, no matter what the circumstances, how bad is the day? How good is the day if someone says something mean to you, if things don't go the way you want, you're going to be supporting yourself like you will do with a five year old that comes to you and say, oh, I'm sad and I don't feel good about myself or I had this problem or that problem. You're going to hold him and calm him down and nurture this little one and say everything is going to be okay, and explain a story or something that allows to release this energy that is feeling. And we don't do this with ourselves.

[18:36] Karin: Yeah. And that's so interesting what you talk about in terms of love being transactional and how that's a message that we get and then that's a message not only that we can carry into our future relationships, but we do that then with ourselves. Well, if I'm not good enough, if I don't perceive that I am good enough, then I can't love myself.

[19:00] Judith: Yeah, exactly.

[19:01] Karin: And then I have to be perfect and who is perfect, right?

[19:04] Judith: Yeah. That's the most important thing. And thank you for pointing this out because loving yourself doesn't mean that you have to become this wonderful being where everything in its life because we are not here to be perfect. That's first of all, that's not our purpose. Our purpose is to learn how to love and how to be loved. That's it. And this is a practice, as we have been saying, then loving yourself. It's just that I love myself and I accept myself as I am with the flaws included, with the mistakes, with everything that had happened. But it's in these moments where it's more difficult and it's in these moments where it's required, when everything is good. It's so easy to love yourself. Why not? You feel like invincible and everything is going well. Yeah, I love myself. You see, my life is going well. But when your life is a disaster, are you going to be there for yourself and say no matter what, I'm there for you, I still love you, I still support you and there is nothing that you can do that it's gonna my love for myself is unwavering. There is nothing you can do to take it. We don't do that. We start judging and criticizing and we put ourselves down and we blame ourselves and it's easy for us to forgive ourselves for the things that we have done. It gets a lot of people stuck. Certain events that happen that we think that we could have act differently or if we just did that, our life will be now in a totally different place.

[20:39] Karin: And how does self love benefit our relationships with others?

[20:47] Judith: Well, it transformed them totally. Let me tell you that to begin that for me a relationship is not just two people together. It's two individuals that already love themselves that decide to share the love that they already have. But there are people that are together for many different reasons. One of them is like I feel alone, then I want to be with someone. I find another person that feels alone and we are together. But what happens when you love yourself is you become less needy, not independent. You can have a project in common and be together and spend all the time together. But you don't try to possess the other person. You can give more room to the other person to be herself or himself. You don't try to fix the other person or to change. Because if you learn how to accept yourself, including the mistakes, you are kinder and compassionate with others. When you see that they are not perfect as well, then you become more understanding, you accept others more and you know that you have to take care of your own garbage. You cannot be in a relationship and blame the other person for everything that is happening. This is like when we are playing tennis and you are in your side of the court. Then this is where you remain and you have to keep that perfect. You cannot jump into the other side and then kick the ball and come back to your site and no, you have to allow the other person to do the process at their own speed in whatever terms they can. And sometimes we complain in relationships because the other person is not the way we want and we are not loved the way we want to be loved. Sometimes even loving the other person. People can leave a relationship because the growth have been different and you don't belong with this person anymore then in order to continue with your path. Unfortunately, we don't do that because there are many others that tied us together children, financials and all of these things. And we have this idea, or at least I had this idea, that love can solve everything and if we put enough effort, we are going to fix things but we are not here to fix anyone. People really have to want to be together and do whatever it takes and give room to the other person and be respectful with the process of the other person.

[23:33] Karin: Yeah, and what comes up for me is that when we don't have that self love, then we have these needs that we're trying to fill, this emptiness that we're still trying to fill and we often do that by trying to get that from other people. But if we are in that self love, then we're more able to be in relationship with other people out of choice instead of trying to feel that emptiness or feel that need with somebody.

[24:04] Judith: Yeah, that nobody really can feel it.

[24:07] Karin: Right.

[24:09] Judith: It's very complicated because there is not going to be never enough love in the world for you if you don't love yourself. Even if it's a little bit but yeah, but dynamics happen and others become our teachers. I remember one of the questions that I asked the participants of the worship fall in love with yourself is was what are your complaints in the relationships that that didn't work? You know, and say, for example no, the person wasn't paying attention to me and was in his own world and really I didn't feel that I was important for him and all of this. And then when you ask and how was the relationship with yourself? Oh, no, I didn't love myself at all, then the relationship was a reflect of what was already happening in the relationship with herself. And this is very common. Sometimes we are afraid of abandonment and we think that because the relationship is perfect, it's not going to happen. But in the moment something triggers that pain or that trauma that I have accumulated, I start seeing or reading the other person and the signs from my fear of abandonment or it didn't call me or it doesn't want to spend enough time with me, something have changed, I'm not important enough. You said the beginning was different. And then I accumulate little proofs that this person really doesn't love me the way it was loving me. And something is going to happen, and the relationship is going to end. And then I start reacting differently and this person that fall in love with me in the first place see a different one that is like all guard and worried about and asking for proof and asking so many questions. And trying to have reassurance that it's loved and all of this that doesn't understand what is happening. And with good levels of communication think that in some relationships work. In others is piecing in action. Then we can just become aware and see what is happening and try to stop it and to talk about what's going on. But usually we look at the other person as the source of the problems in relationships but we should just turn the light and look in ourselves what is happening within me that I'm triggered? Or I feel this way because it's not the other person that does it on purpose. Maybe the other person is totally unaware but we have store material, we have pain and suffering from other relationships that this is still there, we haven't released and in the moment someone put the finger in the wound then all of this explodes. It's not about others usually it's about how we see what is happening to us. With exceptions, of course. If you are in an abusive relationship then run away, love yourself enough to really see it and leave the relationship the sooner the better. I don't like to generalize.

[27:16] Karin: Yeah, and that's just a really good point is that if you have that self love then you can recognize when you are truly being mistreated and when you deserve better and really can help you make better choices for yourself.

[27:30] Judith: Yeah. And sometimes we don't have to put this label of abusive relationship I have been in a marriage more than I shouldn't where I knew that wasn't the place for me. And we tried to get divorced and we kind of separated, and we did, and we came back together, and the same was happening and we did it again, and then I came back again. And sometimes it's not love what keeps you together. It's attachment. The amount of years, the routine that you have that you miss. In this case it took me a lot of effort to really get divorced because I met my husband when I was 18 and it was 16, almost 17 years of my life. It was everything I knew and I love him but again it was really love or I was canceling myself to be in the relationship. I was the master of abandoning myself in the relationship just to keep it. Then that was not good for me and I had to learn then sometimes what we think that it's the worst relationship ever that I had is the greatest teacher that you needed in order to love yourself more. Because unless the other person puts the things a little bit difficult. And I married two people cut the same way that they really for them was easy to love themselves and they have clarity on that area. Then I didn't have enough with the first one that I went through the second experience. Then I know what I'm talking about. And again, we have misunderstanding sometimes what is true love and what includes. And we get confused between being in a relationship. The relationship can fail, but love is always going to be there for you, within your reach, to support you, to help you. That relationship may not fulfill your expectations, but love will never disappear from your.

[29:28] Karin: Life as long as you can have that love for yourself. Right?

[29:33] Judith: Yeah, but it's within you, it's inside. Then what happens is like it's the lamp that should be perfect and if you plug it in, it's going to give this beautiful light. But you say, oh, it's not working, it's not working. I don't have love for myself. The only thing that you have to do is to connect. Then we are all looking for the plaque. But when you really connect, you can shine with your own light. And again, we don't have to be perfect, can be ups and downs. And all of these are experiences that we really sometimes we need to have or we put ourselves through. But it's not that you have to do a master in self love is there.

[30:17] Karin: Yeah. And I'm assuming that it also kind of can fluctuate. There might be days where you don't feel that love as strongly and that that's okay.

[30:28] Judith: Yeah. But we tend to lose it for reasons that are not important and very easily. For example, one of the questions that I get asked in interviews very frequently is like, yeah, I have all this idea that I want to start. I get up and I connect with the love for myself and I want to have a fantastic day because setting up the day and starting with love and loving the day is very important. And then I go out and someone cut me out in traffic, or someone is being with me and then I get all upset. Then to whom you give your peace, your peace is very important. Your inner peace is sacred. Then you're going to lose it because someone really cut you off in traffic or someone is mean on the phone or they do the things, serve you the coffee the way you want. It's so easy really to lose this balance, this connection. We should be more aware of what is important and what we focus our energy. That's the reason why this is a practice, because there are many things that can easily take you out and then you forget or you enter in the day today. Yeah. You get up with this idea, yes, I choose to love myself no matter what today. And when you arrive to the office, forget. It you are in a different world or we meditate and everything is working while I meditate. But what happened with the other 23 and a half hours of your day?

[32:00] Karin: Yeah, and that's interesting, these examples you mentioned because it's things that happen that are outside of us that can really affect our internal experience of how we're feeling about ourselves inside.

[32:15] Judith: Yeah, because we are used and if you see we look in front, we look what is happening, what is coming to us. But in reality everything is happening within us. Everything depends on our perspective about the world and we cannot choose what is happening to us, what we are receiving, the circumstances, what we are living but we can really choose how to react to those circumstances. Then it's a matter of perspective. I was talking today with a client, he was saying yeah, I have been disrespected and I feel bad about myself and all of this. Then he was focusing on something that happened in the past and I brought to the table yeah, but you are receiving so much appreciation now, a lot of people are helping you. Then what do you want to see? That someone that it was their decision, not that you deserve it, disrespected you? You want to keep running this story or that right here, right now, people appreciate you. And you have the choice to really value this and value who you are and feel good about it, then we always have a choice. But it's not the choice to change the external circumstances. That is what we think we would like to affect that thing. No, I don't want this, I don't like this. And we tend to label everything this is good, this is bad and this is what it is. It's not good or bad. It is. But what we can really do is to look at the world with different eyes. The more in love you are with your life and with everything that exists, the easier your life will become. Because you have a sense of acceptance of everything that is happening and doesn't mean that you like certain things. But you know that the power to overcome them, the support, the guidance, the healing, whatever it is that you need, it will be there for you. And then you can remain calm and relax in the experience that you are having more than panicking at the first sign that your life is not working.

[34:45] Karin: So you talked about these different aspects of self love, and I loved I loved how you how you broke that down into these different kind of categories about finding your voice and the self critic and forgiveness and all these different things that can all these things that we can work on to really come to that feeling of self love.

[35:13] Judith: Let me talk about one aspect that really is coming strongly to my mind, that is self forgiveness. Forgiveness is usually talked to us in the sense that you have to be a good person and forgive someone else. And when we have been betrayed or something really bad happened to us, we don't find this idea inside of ourselves like, oh, I want to forgive this person. Then we hold into something, but holding into this make us suffer. Not the other person that perpetrated these acts or did whatever it was that was painful for us. Then when I talk about forgiveness and in the context of these Akashic Records that I teach and I offer sessions, forgiveness is an act of self love that allows you to become free to separate from these events or experience or whatever happened that you think that makes you suffer something that was hurtful for you. Then you forgive. Because by forgiving you can set yourself free. You separate, you divide this from you. You don't need really to do something about it. You don't even need the other person to come and apologize to you. You can do it on your own, your 50% is enough. But what happens with ourselves that if it's difficult to do it with others, sometimes it's even more difficult to do it with ourselves. We don't put ourselves in the list of I need to let this go. It happened, but it's in the past. The past cannot be changed, can be acknowledged, we can learn from it. But the only solution that we have is to let it go. But it doesn't have to predict our future for sure. It doesn't have to affect our present because it's past. And many times we keep bringing it into the present once and once more and once more. Like if we are stuck in the same chapter of the novel, reading the same chapter again and again, then I like this idea. Sometimes the way they explain to a client in a session of the Akashic Records, like when you decide, when you make the conscious decision to let go of something, these powerful beings that we call Akashic Records, it's like they have a track for recycling. Then you can let go of the energy and they can come with the track and recycle it for you. Then you don't have to carry any more things that are painful, but you need your intention has to be there. You need to decide that you don't want to continue suffering for that. And it's never about the event or what happened with the other person. It's about you. It's about moving forward. Forgiveness is the end of letting go, of releasing, of moving forward.

[38:25] Karin: And why do you think that so many people struggle with being able to let things go like that and forgive what seems to get in the way?

[38:32] Judith: Because we think that if I forgive, I'm forgotten what happened, I'm condoning the facts or the dents. I'm allowing the other person to just live without paying the consequences. But we are not judge the judge here, the other person will pay in whatever way. But what it's important is that we don't complicate our lives much more. But it's the concept again of the religion or their bringing or how this concept has been taught to us. Like, yes, of course you have the right to be angry and you don't have to forget anything. Take a note that if something like that happened to you again, now you know how to act or how not to act, then forgiving is not just saying it was okay. No, you don't even have to reestablish a relationship. It's something very big happened between two and someone else, between you and someone else. Sorry. But the important is that if you love yourself enough and you want the best for you, forgiving will allow you to kind of delete this from your life, to create a new, different chapter, to start reading the next chapter of the novel. Then that's the important, not what happened and not the other person. And if you look in society, they talk about what happened and what the other person should do to repair to how they have to react or never apologize. And a lot of people blame others, like children blame their parents because they were not able to do that. But maybe they couldn't. Maybe they did what they could with the circumstances of their lives at this moment. And again, maybe your parents were not the best ones, but you left at 18, you didn't come back. Now you are 50, and you still blame them for all the things, and you had many, many years to transform your life. Yeah, painful things happen to all of us. And again, it's an act of love to just say, even with this pain, I'm going to continue, I'm going to heal, and I'm going to create the life that I want and deserve.

[40:51] Karin: So it really sounds like it's about, I don't need to carry this pain anymore more. I want to make some space for that peace and to feel something else.

[41:07] Judith: Yeah. And I used to give a lecture that was called Loving Yourself as a solution. And I challenged the people that attend say, tell me any problem in your life that you may have, and I'll resolve it. In terms of self love, our changing behavior will bring something different in your life. And I mentioned that I think that love is the most powerful energy in the universe. If you really want to love yourself, it's not about what you do. It's about being in this state of doing things you love, being joyful, being in love with your life, adding more love in the relationships, but by choice, like, who put salt in a dish? Then you keep looking, how can I be more loving, more kind, more understanding, more respectful? What can I do? But not in the sense, I love you so much. These are big, wonderful words. Love is a burp and it has to be demonstrated into action. Then if you love yourself, how are you going to talk to yourself from now on? What are the sentences that you are going to tell yourself? Are you going to still allow your critic to tell you that you're not going to make it, that you aren't good enough, that this is not going to happen, that you don't deserve it? Or are you going to change the radio station to someone that has more love and say you can and you will, and you will find the resources and you will find the health and you have everything you need and more and you are good enough. Then we have control over those things and we can do something about it.

[42:58] Karin: And what are some steps that people could take to get closer to self love? Let's just take forgiveness since we've been talking about that. What are some things that people can do to feel more self forgiveness?

[43:15] Judith: One of the things about forgiveness is that it's a conscious decision. Then conscious decision requires awareness, presence in your life. This is why I like so much the concept of mindfulness. Mindfulness is just to look and observe at yourself without judgment. It's like when you go to a movie and you sit in the movie theater but you are watching the main character in the movie. Then that's mindfulness. You are in the movie, this is happening to you. But you are also in the movie theater watching at your life, but without judging it. You are not in the movie theater saying oh, but you are stupid, why are you not doing this? Instead of that? You don't see that your life will change? No, just with lots of love you just observe with certain perspective. You can see other things. Then forgiving yourself is easy when you have this perspective forgiving for what? Sometimes we don't even know what is holding us back, why we are so mean with ourselves. You made a mistake. What is a mistake? A mistake is a decision that you made with information that you had at the moment. It was not a mistake when you made it. It was just the best you thought that you can do. Then you learn from it and you let it go. Then it's a new way of being with yourself. It's a new relationship. Forgiveness is there is nothing that really has to stop me. I take note, I try to improve, but I continue. I continue walking. I don't get a stack right there, just judging and criticizing myself. You have been trying all the years of your life. Try with love and see if adding more love instead of adding more lack of forgiveness helps a little bit more to you than that. But forgiveness is a tough one. There are other things that people can do to start loving themselves. Like observing this inner critic. I tell people during a week at least to take note of all the thoughts that come to your mind and you will see the real relationship that you have with yourself. Because we tend to do it, that it's an autopilot that we don't even realize how we talk to ourselves. Then just being a little bit kinder can be a big relief. Less tension, find more empowering words, support yourself, be your cheerleader. Just talk to yourself like you will talk to a friend. If something happens in your life or in a life of a friend, you want to say oh, but how were you able to do this bad thing? And oh, you are terrible, I don't want to talk to you anymore. Because how is possible that no, we'll say don't worry, I'm sure there is going to be a solution, we will find it. I'm here to support you. I know that it seems bad, but I know that everything can be transformed, don't worry.

[46:17] Karin: So it's really one of the first things that you can do is show yourself some self compassion. It's what it sounds like, being kinder to yourself.

[46:26] Judith: Yeah, exactly.

[46:27] Karin: That really is powerful.

[46:29] Judith: Yeah. And it all depends on what is the main aspect that you have to focus on. Self love. Because again, there are people that have never expressed their needs and desires and they go through life telling others, yeah, whatever you want, whatever you want, whatever you want. And when you say but what do you want? They don't even know because they are out of practice. Then there is a sentence that works really well to create this practice of including yourself, that you are a priority in your life that is in front of every decision. Strong or important or silly, doesn't matter. Ask yourself what is the best choice for me now? And put the now. Because when you say yes today, maybe tomorrow you will say no. Then it's important that it's happening in the moment. But when you give yourself the opportunity to have an opinion, then you start realizing what do I like? And do I really want to do this? Do I want to say yes? We say yes when we want to say no many times per day. Because we feel obligated, because we think it's the right thing to do, because it's the way we always have been. Again, it always depends on what is more difficult for you from other people is setting up boundaries. They have never tell others how they want to be treated. Then they feel abused by others. They feel that others mistreat them or they don't really deserve this thing. But they have not say this is unacceptable, and I'm not going to allow you to talk to me right now and I'm getting and leaving the room right now because I cannot deal with this anymore.

[48:11] Karin: Yeah. So setting those boundaries is a really important part of self love. Something that a lot of people, I.

[48:21] Judith: Think, struggle with to learn. Yeah. Because again, we don't think that we have the right to say no or to say and bandaris also have bad press because a lot of people understand boundaries in the sense that it's like a wall that separates me from other people. Like I say no. I don't want this. And it's not really that bandaris help relationships because I'm telling you, how do I want to relate with you? What do I like and what I don't like? And what are the things that will make our relationship easier? Because if you know where I come from, then you will understand me and we are going to have less arguments.

[49:02] Karin: Right.

[49:02] Judith: And if I need, I don't know, sometime alone, then the other person knows. But if the other person is asking me, can we meet? And I say I keep saying no, then the other person feels rejected. But it's not about the other person. It's like in order to release everything that is happening to me during the day, I need some time alone. It's the way I process.

[49:24] Karin: Yeah. And of course, boundaries help us feel safe in relationships. And when we feel safe, that's when we can connect.

[49:34] Judith: Yeah. We can open our heart. I mean, we say that we are in relationships, but our heart is totally closed. Double gear. Like, no, don't hurt me, please. No. Yeah, I want to be there, but no. And love is something wonderful when it's right, when it's true, when it's exactly for us.

[49:57] Karin: So we've been talking about love this whole time and yet I have this question that I ask everyone. So I'm curious. Perhaps this will be an opportunity for you to fill any gaps that you feel like maybe you haven't filled yet during our conversation. But what role does love play in the work that you do?

[50:23] Judith: Everything. Love is my religion, it's my politics, it's my philosophy. It's not work. It's the world I live in. I recently created an organization called Lovelove andlove.org that pretends to promote love in the world and spread love around the world. One of the things that people can do if they like, we send a daily love note, then go to the website loveloveandlove.org and subscribe and you will receive a message of love just when you get up in the morning on whatever time you receive it, you remember that love is with you. Always within reach, always there. That never fails. That it's your superpower and that can transform your life. That everything you want. It becomes easier to get it if you just focus on love and not in what is not working, in fixing it, in trying to really fix the world and everything inside of it. If you just love yourself a little bit more every day, you will transform your life and the lives of everyone you touch.

[51:45] Karin: Yeah, indeed.

[51:47] Judith: Then it's such a powerful concept. We also in this organization have a shop that contains products that have the shape of a heart or the word love in them. Because I believe that when you open your eyes in the morning you have a nice sign there that says love or you are in your desk and you have something there that reminds you or in the kitchen instead of measuring like to make the cake with something regular or round, you have a heart there. It's going to be a reminder that love never abandons you, that love is a power that is real. Love is this word that everybody talks about this and nobody really knows what it is. It's one of the most search questions in Google, what is love? And it's something that we think we have experience in relationships, whatever father, mother, partner, friend, that there is an experience of the love within yourself, that you, with you, how you really treat yourself, that it's amazing. And if you try just with these little steps that we have been talking, stop criticizing your life and start appreciating it, build this sense of appreciation and then be grateful for what you have instead of looking of what is lacking. And instead of judging yourself, just tell your mind to change to a radio station where there is more love. Take your mind to the gym and practice on love and not in judgment and see if you have to forgive someone or something that can happen or yourself and see how you can express more authentically who you are and be vulnerable. Or if you need these boundaries to be established in a relationship. And slowly, slowly you will see your life transformed but in a big, big way.

[53:53] Karin: Well how can people learn more about you and working with you?

[53:58] Judith: They can go to my website, judithmcosta.com. They have a list of all private sessions, workshops and everything that I offer. Social media links, and there's a contact form where there is my telephone number and the email. Then they can connect with me and, yeah, send me an email with your concerns and I will be happy to help you out, whatever it is. And if you want to have more love and help this organization to spread Love is loveloveandlove.org and see what it's in there and support us please in making the world more loving place wonderful.

[54:39] Karin: Thank you for all the beautiful work that you do.

[54:42] Judith: Thank you for having me and for all this space to share it with you and with everyone.

[54:47] Karin: Lots of love, yes, thank you.

Outro:

Thanks for joining us today on Love Is Us. If you like the show, I would so appreciate it if you left me a review. If you have questions and would like to follow me on social media you can find me on Instagram where I'm @theloveandconnectioncoach.

Special thanks to Tim Gorman for my music, Ali Shaw for my artwork and Ross Burdick for tech and editing assistance again. I'm so glad you joined us today because the best way to bring more love into your life and into the world is to be loved. The best way to be loved is to love yourself and those around you. Let's learn and be inspired together.