#19: BONUS: What's so great about IFS?

Love Is Us: Exploring Relationships and How We Connect

You might have heard the buzz about IFS (Internal Family Systems). But why is it becoming so popular? How does it work? Is it effective? Can it help you? I talk about all of these things during this episode, which I created to give you some background and hopefully interest you in learning more about it.

For more resources:

Derek Scott's YouTube Channel

No Bad Parts, by Richard Schwartz

Self-Therapy, by Jay Earley

My website, where you can contact me and learn more about working with me:

www.drcalde.com

Transcript:

Karin: This is Love Is Us: Exploring Relationships and How We Connect. I'm your host, Karin Calde. I'll talk with people about how we can strengthen our relationships, explore who we are in those relationships, and experience a greater sense of love and connection with those around us, including ourselves. I have a PhD in Clinical Psychology, practiced as a psychologist resident, and after diving into my own healing work, I went back to school and became a coach, helping individuals and couples with their relationships and personal growth. If you want to experience more love in your life and contribute to healing, the disconnect so prevalent in our world today, you're in the right place. Welcome to Love is Is.

[00:51] Karin: Hi, everyone. This is my first official solo recording, and I wanted to jump on here and talk about Ifs. And ifs stands for Internal Family systems, and some people get it confused with family systems, and it's a little bit different.

And I wanted to talk about this really for three reasons. One is because it's an important tool that I used. I've been trained to do it with my clients, and I think it's incredible. I think it's a really wonderful way for people to learn about themselves and make their lives better. I also wanted to talk about it because I am interviewing some people or I have interviewed some people, I haven't published the episodes yet who do Ifs, who use it. And so I wanted to be able to refer back to this episode so that if you wanted to learn more about it and perhaps be able to engage more with those episodes, then this is one way to do that. But I also wanted to come in on here and just talk about it because you don't necessarily need to do it with me. It might be that you decide that you want to pursue this with someone or you want to read read more about it, because it's really not even just a way to heal, but it's also just a way of being in the world. And I'll talk a little bit more about that, but it's a framework that therapists and coaches use to help their clients, and it's also for other people. Other people in the helping professions also will often get trained in it as well. But like I said, it's also a way of being in the world. I mean, it's helped me become less judgmental and change my perspective so that I feel less angry or confused by people and instead feel a lot more compassion. It can help you identify and change old patterns that keep you stuck. Heal from PTSD, anxiety, depression, help you become less critical of yourself, address your anger, address substance abuse problems, learn to forgive people, feel more self love, get in touch with your spirituality and so much more. I mean, it's really powerful.

And now it's not everything, but it's something that has worked for me and I see seems to really work well with the clients with whom I've been been using it. So I've been working on and off as a therapist in some capacity or another since I started pursuing my PhD in clinical psychology, which was like, almost 25 years ago now. It's a long time, but then I took an extended pause in the middle because I was feeling burnt out, not very well supported, and I felt like I wasn't walking the talk and was getting depressed. And so I took time off, mostly for those reasons, but also because I was feeling disillusioned. When I started graduate school, I was learning about all these different therapeutic approaches like CBT and DBT and EFT and all these different things. And those are all valuable approaches. We've learned so much from all those and a lot more of them. But it just felt like I would only get minimal results, and it seemed like I wasn't the only one. It wasn't just me being a bad therapist that it was really hard to use these, and it wasn't like it was helping people transform their lives in most cases. So then fast forward to 2017, when I started seeing my therapist, and she used a method called Ifs. And basically the basic premise is that we're made up of a multiplicity of parts. We have these different parts. It was created back in the 90s by Richard Schwartz, and lately it's becoming really popular because people are seeing that it works. And there's some promising new research, especially when it comes to things like PTSD and depression. I think it was after people who had history of of sexual trauma. They they had 16 sessions of Ifs, and a month later, they didn't even qualify for the diagnosis of PTSD any longer. And their depression scores also went way down. So that was just one study. And it's impressive.

And it was also impressive to me personally, because I finally felt like I was coming unstuck. I had been in therapy on and off for a number of years, and I would still get really depressed sometimes and wouldn't understand why. And this approach just helped me turn the corner and helps me also to become a much better coach, much more present. And it helps me be with people and not be so defensive. It has helped me with my anger. It's just helped me in a lot of different ways. So what is ifs? So the thing that really differentiates Ifs from other models that use parts work is that we have a self. At your core, you have a self, and it can never be damaged, never lost. It is always within you. And that self we talk about, it has the eight C's. So it's got clarity, it's courageous, it's curious, it's compassionate, it's creative, it's connected, it's confident, it's calm, it's also patient, it perseveres, it's playful, it's joyful, and so much more. And the thing is, that we also have these other parts that blend with ourself and make it harder for us to lead from self. Because when we can be in self, we don't usually walk around being in self, certainly not all the time. We're almost always blended with another part of us in some capacity. So when we're young, ourselves isn't fully developed. And there are painful things that can be really overwhelming to our younger selves. So we might experience fear, or shame, or loneliness, a sense of worthlessness or other overwhelming painful feelings because of some event that happens. And what happens is that we develop these parts to help keep us from feeling those strong, difficult emotions. So what the center of those protector parts that emerge is a young exile. That young exile holds the pain for us. And our protectors try to keep us from feeling that pain. So the protectors push down the exile so that you don't feel those feelings. And they also develop these behaviors that are intended to help keep you from repeating whatever it was that caused that initial injury. Now, there are two kinds of protectors. The first kind is a manager. And managers do their best to prevent those exiles from showing up in the first place. So they use socially acceptable behaviors to keep things under control. So for example, for me, because when I was 1011 years old, I experienced a whole lot of loss in a short period of time. And so I had this young exile who was really lonely and really sad, felt like perhaps she wasn't worthy of love. And so I developed parts such as a people pleaser, a good student, a perfectionistic part, a responsible part, a logical thinking part, self critic, a vigilant part. And all of those parts for the most part, work really well together. And just like in families, they formed an alliance.

But now there is a different kind of protector. So we have the manager, but there's also the firefighter. Now the firefighters react when an exile who holds all that old pain starts to come to the surface. And the firefighter's job is to push that exile down and to soothe the system in reaction. So for me, this was an angry part and my managers did not like that. So just like in families, there could be conflicts between parts. I also developed a dissociative part later in life, a wine drinking part, a mindless eater as well. And those are all pretty normal. It's also really important to remember, and I'm going to repeat this, that there are no bad parts. All of our parts just want the best for us and they're just trying to protect us. But they formed when we were young. So they use these young, perhaps immature methods to try to get their needs met. But so remember, they are trying to protect you from feeling these emotions that the exiles hold, these burdens that the exiles hold. And these exiles desperately want our attention. In fact, all the parts want our attention. But I don't know, I think the exiles want our attention maybe even more. So they try to do that, they poke at us. And sometimes if we try to ignore them for too long, they just start knocking more loudly and they might even cause pain and illness in your body. So again, really important to remember that there are no bad parts. But if you ignore them, and if you try to push them down, they just get stronger and more persistent and they never get what they want. So when we can create a relationship with our parts and our self, that's where the magic happens. That's where we can start healing. Because the self is so powerful and it's very healing. So if your parts can realize that yourself is now fully grown and online on board, then they can start trusting the self and not feel like they have to work so hard. And when you start creating a relationship with your parts, they start to calm down a bit, they start to relax a bit and they start to trust you. And they might even decide at some point, once you start doing this, ifs work, to take on different roles that might be more adaptive to you. Now as an adult. And with your protector's permission, you can then also start working with your exiles and help unburden them. And that's where some really profound healing happens. So it's really exciting work.

I don't necessarily recommend you do this on your own, but you can absolutely start to get to know your parts on your own. And that really can be some exciting work in and of itself. But I wouldn't necessarily recommend that you work with your exiles because they can be pretty fragile and your exiles can get or your protectors can get pretty upset if you start working with them without their permission. But there are really three essential goals of ifs that I see. One is that it harmonizes your parts. Because remember, they create alliances and they have conflict. And that can create a lot of stress within you. So it could be that you have that people pleaser wants to help everyone and put your own needs aside, but then that gets the angry part riled up. And then you have this anger boiling up inside of you, but you don't want to feel that. So you push that down. So this can be this real battle inside you that creates that internal stress and it SAPS your energy. The other goal of Ifs is to heal your exiles who are holding your pain, so that your parts don't have to work so hard and you don't have to feel that burden of that pain. And so it just opens you up for so much more. And when you do this work, you become more self led. You experience the joys of being in self, and some people really tap into their spirituality when they get to that point. But it also helps you learn how to speak for your parts instead of from your parts. So you're not so reactive. You're really speaking for your needs, and it's a much more healthy way of being in the world and is a tremendous benefit to your relationships. And that's the other thing, is that IFS has a version that can be used with couples. When I've started doing this. It's called IFIO or intimacy from the inside out. Now, the thing about IFS, this might be shifting a bit, but it can be hard to find people. A few years ago, when I was trying to help someone in my life try to find someone, and this was during COVID people were charging like $350 an hour. It was crazy. Crazy. But they were in such demand, people who were trained in Ifs because people could see that it was working. And this is still currently the truth is that the IFS Institute in the United States has a waiting list for therapists, coaches, and other professionals that are thousands of people long. Thousands. It's just that it's become that popular. If you do decide that Ifs is something that you want to try, I do recommend that you find someone who's trained. You don't necessarily need to get someone who's fully certified. That's a lot of training. A lot, but someone who does have some good training. So Ifs Canada, which is where I trained, and Ifs in the United States are two organizations that I can recommend. If people have that, then I think you're probably pretty good to go. So anyway, that's what I wanted to share with you. If you have questions about it, you can always reach out. You can send me a DM on Instagram, where I'm the love and connection coach. You can also go to my website, drcaldi.com, if you'd like to learn more about Ifs, there's some great resources out there. No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz is a really good book. I listened to that one on audiobook, which was really great because he has a bunch of meditations that he reads. So you can actually start diving into some of the parts work when you listen to that one. Also, I really enjoyed Jay early's book called Self Therapy, and he also helps you do some of the work on your own as well and explains the model really well. So those are a couple of resources. There's lots online. Derek Scott, who is the person that I was trained by, he has a bunch of videos on YouTube, so I recommend those and he's fantastic. And I just want to close by saying that Ifs, while it's certainly not the only thing that can help you, it is, like I said, a really powerful model, but it's also very compassionate and really respectful because it doesn't believe that you have to diagnose someone. So it's not pathologizing. And it believes that all the things that you do in your life make perfect sense. And it's all about your parts simply trying to protect you and getting you through. And those parts are what got you to today. So I hope you will be gentle with yourself. I hope you enjoyed this episode. May you and your relationships thrive.

[18:09] Karin: Thanks for joining us. Today on Love Is Us. If you like the show, I would so appreciate it if you left me a review. If you have questions and would like.

[18:17] Karin: To follow me on social media, you can find me on Instagram, where I'm the Love and Connection coach. Special thanks to Tim Gorman for my music, Aly Shaw for my artwork, and Ross Burdick for tech and editing assistance. Again, I'm so glad you joined us today because the best way to bring more love into your life and into the world is to be loved. The best way to be loved is to love yourself and those around you. Let's learn and be inspired together. You.