Authentic Check-In: People-Pleasers

Authentic Wellness Podcast

During our last check-in, we discussed boundaries. If you didn’t get a chance to check it out, you can click HERE. There is a blog post and a podcast episode there to help you understand why healthy boundaries are important.

As we get closer to the winter holidays, I feel it’s important to touch on people-pleasing. Don’t get me wrong, this bad habit is important during other months of the year, but the holidays are a great place to start if you need the practice.

Are You a People-Pleaser

If you are anything like me, you enjoy serving others. In fact, serving people brings you happiness. Unfortunately, there are those who recognize someone with a kind and caring spirit and make it their mission to take advantage of them. Taking advantage can range from using the people-pleaser to do tasks they don’t want to do to extreme cases of borrowing large amounts of money that the people-pleaser cannot afford to part with. Either way, it is up to you, the possible people-pleaser to recognize the signs of your detrimental behavior.

Answer these questions to find out if you could be a people pleaser:

• Are you known for being too generous?
• Do you take on more tasks than you can realistically handle?
• Does it feel unnatural to ask for things you need?
• Do you deny your needs to keep the peace with others?
• Do you often put your self-care aside to care for others?
• Do you feel useless if someone doesn’t need your help?
• Do you go out of your way to keep others from getting upset?
• Do you avoid defending yourself in disagreements?
• Do you let others know when they’ve hurt you?
• Is it okay not to be told “thank you” when you help someone?

Answering “yes” to two or more of these questions means you are probably a people-pleaser. While it isn’t easy to break the habit, it can be done.

The first step is to come up with a list of boundaries you would like to set and with whom. This is a wishlist of sorts. Hold onto this until you are ready to implement.

Next, it is time to do the work required to figure out your needs. You have been acquiescing to the desires of others for so long, you may not recall the things you enjoy doing for yourself.

Once you figure out what you like to do, it is time to start doing it. To make it less uncomfortable, block time for yourself on your calendar. That way, if you’d like, you can still make time to do for others. Putting yourself on your own calendar is also a very subtle way to start enforcing your boundaries.

The last and possibly most difficult step in this new journey is learning to take as much as you give. This is a good time to get the boundary list out from Step 1. In order to have a full and healthy relationship, you have to get better at this part. Otherwise, you may create resentment and destroy yourself and the relationship in the process. Would you believe that you are doing people a disservice by not allowing them to support you when you need it? Well, it’s true.

Consider these questions:

• What tasks can you get others to assist you with?
• What would it do for your physical, mental, and spiritual health if you had more time for yourself?
• Would you like to include more self-care activities in your day?
• Are there people offering to support you, but you turn them away?
• Do you think it is weak to ask for support?
• Do the people you support seem weak to you?

Every one of us is different. We were all raised differently and believe differently. You may have been raised with a strong will to help others. That doesn’t mean that others were raised to do the same. Likewise, some people are raised believing that it is okay to ask for help without being made to feel like a failure for doing so. The rules, principles, or habits of thinking you live by were ingrained in you early in life. Once you recognize how they serve you - either positive or negative - you have to decide when it’s time to change.

The fact is that being a helping and supportive person is wonderful until it’s not. You can get burned out and that’s not what you want. The idea is that your relationships should be balanced. What do you hope to accomplish by tipping the scales to make it look like you do more than the other person? Are you seeking their approval? You don’t have to do that anymore. You need to get to a place where you are only showing kindness when you mean it; authentically.

If you find that you need help doing this, let’s talk about it during a complimentary discovery call. Click HERE to schedule our time together.