It’s snow joke when the Doctor faces off against Hissing Sid.ICE. It’s white, it’s slippery, you can skate on it and make beautiful sculptures out of it. It’s cool. But what they don’t tell you is that it makes you paranoid and convinces you that you’re living in the time of Oliver Cromwell.Worst of all….aliens live in it! They live in it forever a…

Some monks living on a hill are being terrorised by some giant furry things that may or may not be yeti. A mad explorer tries to get them to eat the Doctor (the yeti, not the monks) but they’re not interested because they’ve been trained by someone invisible who sounds like a pervert. The Doctor realises that the yeti’s one weakness is their balls.…

The Doctor does his best Lara Croft impersonation when some maths teachers try to take over what looks like an intergalactic ice cream factory.But it all comes down to the wires when the factory boss has a quarrel with the Hulk’s thinner, less chatty cousin and is ultimately defeated by a closed door (this happens a lot so clearly they’re more used…

Somebody’s half-inched the TARDIS!!A tramp makes a train set out of pepperpots, the daleks are experimenting with a new diet plan for Human beings and a man in a skirt is in for a spot of male bonding with a giant Turk. All this and there’s also a big nobbly thing with a megaphone and the most fearsome beard in history doing something dastardly wit…

The Doctor with a thousand ____s ____s overwhelming odds when he ____s-off against the ____less ones who put on a brave ____, even though they have to ____ the truth that they won’t be able to save ____. So the two-____d time lord goes ____ to ____ against a man without a ____ (which is quite tricky to do) but he doesn’t realise that his companions…

After a French chauffeur lets one off in the Gizmos head office, it’s no longer fit for human habitation so they all have to find other work.Roz tries her hand at marathon running, plumbing and truck driving and, as expected, at least two people snuff it.Ed tries babysitting but the pre-teens all sneer at his lack of computer skills so he puts on a…

The listeners must relax and believe.Everything in the TimeVault is considered and correct.You must accept it without question.You must obey orders.The presenters of the TimeVault know what is best.In 54 minutes, when you stop listening, you will be given an opinion.You will be glad to agree.You will question nothing in the TimeVaultThere is no suc…

During our forced isolation we've been watching a lot of Film and TV. Survivors, Outbreak, Contagion, Masque of Mandragora, Masque of the Red Death, Mask of Zorro, The Masked Singer, The Mask, Son of the Mask, Mask, M.A.S.K., The Man in the Iron Mask, The Man in the Iron Mask, The Man in the Iron Mask and err...oh yes, The Man in the Iron MaskBut w…

Ros has found her new calling…Road Rage Influencer; when she’s not goading violent henchman types into ramming elderly drivers in dark tunnels, she’s flying helicopters over public roads while shooting at vehicles transporting highly unstable explosive materials. It all comes back to haunt her though when she has a reaction to a bad salad.Ed meanwh…

It’s all happening on the moon! Except it isn’t. The moon-base is staffed by the most normal, relaxed bunch of colleagues you’re ever likely to find in Doctor Who. It’s so relaxed that Ben stacks boxes, Polly waffles on about nail varnish and the doctor looks at shoes under a microscope. Ahh, lazy days…..But oh no! Scott has just head butted the mo…

The man without a face doesn’t have a face but he does have a face and another face.The woman with an unmentionable job and questionable taste in music has her name and someone else’s name and keeps extra hair by her bed but not by her other bed.A pair of medium atomic weights have taken to squatting in someone else’s dingy, squalid little flat whi…

aka ‘Stop Piscine About’The TARDIS crew go for a swim in their latest adventure when they discover the lost city of Atlantis!A mad mad scientist (that’s a mad scientist who’s then gone mad) with an equally mad accent has found the city and promised to raise it, but only he knows that to do it he must blow up the world! Ahahahahahaha!!! (see, i said…

A politician with a penchant for gardening who likes chocolate bars and compulsive gigglers is a big man in the ‘underground alternative medicine’ scene. When he’s not lurking in the cellars of his restaurant chain, he surrounds himself with a lot of card players; his secretary likes playing solitaire while his public relations advisor prefers snap…

Och aye the Noo! Ye dinnae ken the trubbel ye coz when ye treps roon bonnie Scotland wi’out a kilt or haggis tae call yer ohn....A toff falls down a hole in history while Polly and a Scottish bird prowl the moors at night looking to mug people. Ben does porridge with a man who plays the bagpipes and the Doctor collects hats while dressed as a washe…

How do you clean up Italian politics? You have two men on the go at the same time, while a third spirits you away for clandestine meetings where a man who can’t speak shoots imaginary teddy bears that look like you before going for a nighttime swim, then you have a secret wedding and invite spies who can’t sew to fight over who gets to watch it in …

Power Napping, Power Walking, Power Talking.Power Houses, Power Stations, Power Plants and Power Rangers.Wind Power, Wave Power, Solar Power and Battery Power.Steam Power, Flower Power, Super Power and Turtle Power.Executive Powers, Mental Powers, Higher Powers and Austin PowersThe Power of Love, The Power of Christ, The Power of Greyskull.The Powe…

Tegan’s keen to upgrade her driving licence. She’s already gone from car to ambulance and now she’s making the leap to time and space machine, but the engine’s over-heated and she’s got all hot and bothered. She needs to relax with a bit of indoor graffiti but she’s not quite at Banksy’s level yet.The Doctor’s had a nasty fall and he now thinks the…

Your estranged wife just caught you exchanging fluids with your ex-girlfriend so she shot at you. Your ex-girlfriend’s not even interested, she only came round to borrow a cup of milk. But before you know it she’s moved in and your jealous butler’s tried to start a bitch fight.You decide to avoid it all and spend the rest of the day in bed but your…

Your open-air mime rehearsal doesn’t go so well when your only audience member leaves for the countryside and the company of corpses. Naturally, you take your mind off it by looking for an invisible house in the sky but somehow you end up punching a duck.Confused, you decide to go to dinner with the most unlikely couple in all of time who are far m…

Ros is flying high with success and joins the mile spy club; she gets a private plane AND she gets to go in the cockpit. She does have to wear a ridiculous pair of glasses to watch the in-flight movie though. It’s the Twilight Zone and there’s this freaky little thing on the wing of the plane….Beckett’s fortunes take a bit of a dive, he’s all pumpe…

Not to be confused with Legopolis, which uses a different type of block transfer computation (although it does explain Adric’s hair)An air hostess has a disastrous first day when she gets on the wrong flight, shouts at the cabin crew and can’t find the emergency exit - although to be fair it’s a devil to get to.A precocious math’s nerd can’t decide…

What happens when a man who likes to climb tall buildings meets a man who likes to jump out of windows and they get into a car with a woman who knows how to use a fax machine?You get a team of remorseless killers who like to spy on businesswomen’s muesli, steal strangers’ family photos, wear hideous yellow ties and pretend to be nice to old people …

Welcome to Traken the happiest, most harmonious place in all of N-space.You’ve come at a bit of a bad time. Great Grandpappy Traken, King of Happiness, fell off his chair and died. Daddy Traken was supposed to take over as King but Mummy Traken hadn’t had her wedding night so she murdered Clever Uncle Traken and blamed it on Daddy. Old Auntie Trake…

A haunting documentary about Sir Mick Jagger’s eight children (by five women), five grand-children and one great grand-child…. They thought he was a drug-addled rock star, what they didn’t know was that in 1555, Nostradamus predicted he would raise an army, an army that would take over the world!The prediction goes: On December 31st, 2020. A Rollin…

How many Emohawks does it take to change an alert bulb?That and a whole Legion of questions will not be asked in this edition of TimeVault. Instead you have to spend the whole time looking for a Red Dwarf because somebody’s lost one. But remember, when the Psiren sounds it means you’re Out of Time.So you may prefer to spend your time watching Reven…

In this tharilling adventure, Adric’s lion about doing not very much at all, K-9’s got a bad case of time wind, and the Doctor’s hoping that the latest TARDIS faults haven’t made the warranty void.Romana’s not letting any of that bother her though, she’s found a nice empty little room with a comfy chair, some old photos and a pair of headphones and…

E-Space is well known for having the worst dental care of all the alphabet, so it’s no surprise that their state of decay has driven the Great Gumpire to set up a new clinic on ye olde fashionee world. He has a two point plan that seems a bit batty; he doesn’t use anaesthetic, just good old fashioned hypnotism, which isn’t in the least bit suspicio…

It’s a lovely day, the sun is shining, birds are singing, rivers are boiling and swamps are bubbling. The perfect day for angry men to gather river fruits, for enthusiastic men to wash plums (before they’re roasted), for rebellious teenagers to grab someone's juicy melons and for young boys to be chased through the woods by older men (not for the l…

Choose trains. Choose no actual trains. Choose candles. Choose an elderly arsonist. Choose magically refilling flower pots, trip wires, stroppy ghosts and layers of dust. Choose an empty hotel, seances and barbed wire doors. Choose a submarine. Choose role-play with a pretty woman. Choose arguments with a heartless bastard. Choose a face full of mi…

Now, don’t get tetchy but there’s still a few things you need to do first. Are you wearing a red and white gingham dress with army boots? Have you eaten an edible Pot Noodle? Have you given pleasure to the World for having a great arse? Good, did you get a couple of handmaidens to ritualistically oil your nipples? Okay, well, as you’ve only achieve…

It’s not easy trying to create a religion based on geometrical objects, you know.The Hexagon got lost in the post, the Octagon was eaten by the cat, the Nonagon never even happened and the Pentagon’s already been copyrighted. The Tetrahedron got wedged in the lift, the Cube was sent back because it was boring, there’s a Gaztak mercenary swinging on…

Leave your homework for a moment kid, there’s a giggling giant strolling through the house kicking down all the doors and a miserable git dumping all the food in your freezer. There’s a policeman knocking on the door, a couple of old soldiers running up and down the stairs, a hurricane in the kitchen and a fashion-conscious flirt burning all your s…

The Doctor and Romana have decided they need a bit of leisure time but everywhere’s booked solid and their last resort is the one remaining building in a war-torn wasteland (no dogs). Chucking K-9 in the sea, they go on holiday.Unfortunately, this particular holiday camp isn’t exactly a hive of activity; the staff keep dying of old age, the new own…

During his gap year, a fashion student goes on a minor tour of the Greek islands only to get stranded on one. He gives the local mayor a sob story about his past and gets his own house if he promises to help them renovate the island. Instead, he digs a couple of holes in the back garden, invites a load of his mates round and orders a curry (Greek f…

The Scorpio family’s house burns down so they decide to go and stay with Granddad. But, as with all long journeys, they argue with each other so much that Mum and Dad get out and walk, taking little Vila and Dayna with them. As he’s only just passed his test, moody teen Tarrant keeps going, bumps into several other vehicles and ends up in a ditch.T…

A group of S and M fanatics (wearing gimp masks made from their mum’s tights) get lost on a skiing trip to the South Pole. they stumble onto a secret military outpost at the same time as the Doctor, Ben and Polly. When a new planet appears in the sky everyone goes a bit mental.The Doctor’s having none of it, though. He’s far too old for that sort o…

Leaving the others to man the office, Avon and Vila take the company car to a meeting but it breaks down on the way back and they have a very serious argument about who’s going to walk home.Avon apologises with a fancy dress dinner party. But when Tarrant gets caught getting off with a hot punk girl under the coats, his parents are forced to take h…

Arrr! Avast, ye scurvy landlubbers, we be the fearsome Podcasters of Penzance!The Doctor and his land-lubbing stowaways arrive in somethingth century Cornwall where a dodgy bloke tells the Doctor a secret. they go to the pub where the Doctor gets kidnapped by Cap’n Hook’s evil brother. Polly feels confused as to her gender preference when she and B…

An uptight scotsman, travels to a remote island where the locals are obsessed with fruit. He stays at an inn with the best room service in the world (you get more than breakfast in bed at this place). They invite him to trade with them; The landlord’s daughter offers him melons and a juicy peach in exchange for some plums but all he’s got is a cher…

or Curly Chops and The Crack MuppetsA cruise ship captain who’s clearly not getting paid enough and a grumpy git with spaceship envy find themselves literally stuck together after one of them drives the wrong way down the space lanes. But that’s the least of their worries…There’s a drug problem running wild on the ship. It’s high time somebody smok…

Put on a pair of comfortable shoes, take the battery out of your clock, sit on the floor where your sofa used to be and throw some jelly around the room. Oh and you might need a hard-hat, we’re about to go plot-holing. Yep, it’s time to talk about the Doctor Who adventure that’s so exciting, it doesn’t even get a name.…

Sun, Sand, Sea and Sex…well two out of four’s not bad I suppose.Tarrant goes on holiday to a timeshare he’s booked from a guy called Vern, unaware that it’s been double booked with a very image conscious politician. Her weekend at Vernie’s is turning into a rough night when they discover her ex-boyfriend dead in the cupboard. So when You, Me and Hi…

The Doctor hatches a plan to finally rid himself of his most useless companion ever. He arrives in the swinging sixties and goes to a nightclub where he chats up a tramp, throws some shapes, picks up a dolly bird and a sailor and leaves with them in a taxi (the dirty old goat!). Then he hypnotises her into unconsciousness and has someone else dump …

It doesn’t matter if you’re a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden or a man with three heads waiting for a lift; put down the double-polaroid, grab a banana and come with us to WaxWorld where we plan to talk to you about Red Dwarf IV. We can’t promise to be interesting but i’m afraid the only way out is the huge 10lb black-ribbed knobbler…

Mystic Meg’s cosmic cousin needs help from the Doctor because he’s fallen down a hole and his only companion is Mr Blobby’s intergalactic pen pal, a huge green blob who can only communicate in single entendres. Things have been made worse because the hole is in the back garden of an upperclass murdering psychopath who’s not at all happy that she ha…

Something’s got them all in a crabby mood.Could it be the fact that someone’s programmed their answer machine message to spout a load of gibberish? or that Dayna appears to have sand in her character trait? Maybe it’s the fact that some random old bloke’s joined the crew without anyone realising or that Tarrant’s beginning to smell faintly of wet b…

Apparently, TARDIS arrives somewhere nice for a change but as Dodo’s taking a lot of pent up tension and frustration out on Steven, the Doctor goes for a walk in the wilderness with nothing but a bottle of suspicious pills and something that, quite frankly, would be put to better use cheering up Dodo. Quite what he plans to do with them behind a bu…